It was a test I realized this morning blowing a puff of smoke into my bathroom mirror. And I passed with flying colors although at the time it hadn’t even dawned on me that the assessment was even happening. Hilarious.
This is all completely true- from my perspective, and lo, I am but an unreliable human narrator of the experience but how many other interpretations could there be, considering?
I’d planned a dinner for my work team. We all work in different cities around the state and you know how it goes its important for remote groups to share air at some point so they do the bidding of the powers that be more effectively. Teamwork makes somebody’s dream work etc, etc- what’s interesting is I’m responsible for a team of men. All men. The only broad on my team is well, me.
If you have ever read my blog before this, you know very well there is no other alternative that would work for me. Not only will I eventually be in charge wherever I happen to go to earn enough money for cake and salmon- but the ideal situation would be to supervise and manage a bunch submissive XYs, it’s what I do. And now I get paid to do it. Your girl is literally living her personal dream at the moment.
I call them Lando, Skywalker and Solo. They named themselves Charlie’s Angels. When I say I am an excellent interviewer, I mean it. In preparation for the dinner Lando asked if their spouses were invited and I said sure, in my head thinking the more the merrier- if they have a plus one then that’s less talking that I have to do, so that’s fine with me. The day before the even it turns out Lando’s wife couldn’t come and it didn’t make any difference to me but then Solo sent me a Teams message and said he was bringing his bird if that was still cool because nobody said it suddenly wasn’t. Now of course he didn’t say it like that, he is very professional- military boomer dude who used to be in law enforcement- he’s the size of a tree and although relaxed in demeanor not the type of dude one would want to be enemies with, he’s significantly older than me and at the dinner I found out that his wife is significantly older than he is- mind you, I’m 50 so there’s no kids coming to this shindig. I said of course bring her- I was already aware that she was the big cheese for some hospital and having another lady present might be nice, although having them all laugh at my jokes because they have no other alternative is refreshing.
I struggled to find something to wear that fits but they all know me as Vader and although it was a holiday work gathering I managed to look like my character- black dress that only reveals enough cleavage to lose your luggage in when I sit down and black boots and matching black gloves, red leather jacket and a black Santa stocking style hat- red lips to match the jacket.
When I arrive Skywalker is pulling up and lets me know that I look nice- which he wasn’t required to say yet since it was true, I gave him the “this ol thing I threw together routine” instead of saying thanks.
I don’t know why I don’t say thank you immediately when someone compliments my appearance- wait, that’s not true, I don’t say thank you when it is coming from a man. If a chick says it then I do say thank you- but there’s no chicks on my team.
Lando is already at the restaurant when we show up and after a glass of Chardonnay Solo arrives with his wife in tow. There’s something about her eyes. Oh I can see past her frail I’m an old ass crone physical appearance. I could just feel the energy shift, he came into the bar first, carrying gifts and all manner of bags and then she came in from behind him. I’m not really thinking at this point but I move in for a hug from everyone. I know people don’t hug their coworkers these days but I’m the youngest person in the room and all of them do, and I know because I’ve been living with older people from their generation my whole life. My mom is one of them, so it wasn’t weird.
I asked the first question at dinner after we all organized ourselves around the hibachi grill and we all went around and answered and laughed. At the end of the responses she took over, asking a series of questions of the guys back to back and I thought, this is absolutely priceless, with her here, I don’t have to talk at all, I can literally zone out. She and Solo had playful banter in their responses as they tried to recall whether they had done such and such 35 or 40 years ago on this street or that street or not and it was the way that he rebuffed her- so delicately, like a little kid going nuh uh you’re wrong was so adorable to me. She noticed I noticed and immediately before I said a word was asking the guys on my team who was the eldest- we all discovered together because I didn’t give a shit, that Skywalker was the eldest, then Solo and Lando was the baby. Mind you, Lando told me that when he was a kid his parent’s wouldn’t let him go see the movie Jaws in the theater because he’d stop wanting to go to beach. I was born the same year that movie hit theaters. When she had uncovered their age order, she confessed that she was even older than Skywalker and by a lot, and Skywalker was only a few years older than Solo. I said, now 2 glasses of Chardonnay in, yes ma’am and you better go, girl! I gave her the I see you two fingers, pointed them back toward my own eyes and then back at hers. I’m leaned forward. We’re all comfortably laughing. Cleavage for days from my side of the table by now and she is wearing some type of librarian mauve sweater set- very hospital administrator but slightly elderly sex dungeon librarian. She wasn’t fooling me one bit. I still didn’t realize this was a test, not until this morning, a couple of days later, high as a kite.
I’d discovered once the chicken and prawns were grilling and we were all stuffing our faces with hot soup and crunchy side salads that Solo and I are both comic book fans and he likes Superman too.
When he said that, I don’t know, it really hit me then. She’s older than him. He’s giddy and childish around her, like a puppy. He likes Superman which is the greatest puppy of all time. Man, am I good at interviewing because I really wanted lots of loyal puppies on my team to do my and the department’s bidding. Joy.
She interrupts my happy thoughts after retelling a story about how Solo ordered a Red Sonja 3 foot action figure for the garage and it came in several boxes and was like 60 pounds and it was such a hassle to get moved in and so complex to put together that she didn’t understand his obsession.
Ten minutes before, she was telling a story that she had seen a ring he liked at a fancy jeweler’s and bought it for him for a gift for Christmas- he was tracking mileage on their car for expenses for his personal business and noticed that she had traveled back and forth to that location so she must have bought him the ring. When it was time to give it to him at Christmas after he accused her of getting him what he wanted she gave him a bag of coal for Christmas instead. Mind you, she had stuffed the ring into the bottom of the bag of coal- so if he’d tossed it, he would have thrown away the ring. He opened it he said and then said it was the cruelest thing she had ever done. She looked up at him lovingly in my mind and his chest sunk in just a little when she piped up again that he studied the back and then eventually deciding the flip it over, hands covered in soot he found it.
I was riveted. I was in love for like 3 seconds, I thought, this bitch. Out loud I said, determined to now not have another single drop of Chardonnay for the rest of the evening so my thoughts wouldn’t slip out, ooh that’s so good, clutching my fictional pearls. That reminds me I did have on a necklace of silver human skulls, you know, just to remind everyone that I’m not a serious person, and plus I generally have a skull on most days somewhere, besides the one in my head.
Later, wrapping up her disdain for her husbands female comic book characters- mind you, earlier I had mentioned how much I love costumes and have done Wonder Woman, Rogue, Scarlet Witch myself, she says, I don’t understand why they have to look like that- what do I call them honey?
He responds immediately- BBBs.
I ask what on earth are BBBs?
Miss mama leans in across the table that is on fire on the right side of my face, so I have to lean further in too and says They are Big Breasted Bimbos.
She leaned back as matter of factly as you please. I perceived the snaggletooth she was trying to hide.
I said without thinking, blinking, shrinking or leaning back one inch- Is that what you think of them because they are scantily clad? I have to say as a fellow comic book fan girlie myself, if they dress that way they have halfway won the war because men are so stupid that they would be easily distracted by her physical appearance and therefore become more vulnerable to unsuspected and in the moment attacks- plus its freeing and powerful to be able to walk around in your own flesh fighting in your most powerful form without restrictions, and if you don’t believe me we could take our clothes off right now in this restaurant and rob this place blind and kill everybody in here because they would be so stupefied that we were simply showing flesh. But I’ma fan.
The table next to us was having a birthday party and when I got to the part where I said “and if you don’t believe me..” the group started singing a rousing happy birthday rendition and I can’t be sure if she actually heard me, but I know he did. I regretted and still regret nothing. I opted to finish my Chardonnay without so much as missing a beat and turned to the folk at the other table and offered a happy birthday and a very thoughtful clap for them.
We took photos after, exchanged gifts and I grabbed the bill for everything at the table but her food. Not to be petty but she isn’t my employee and it really was just an office party that she had gotten invited to so I didn’t really worry about it. She was sure to press flesh before we all scattered down different freeways and in the moment I was so grateful for it to be over because I had a piece of cake at home that was calling my name and was taking with me the whole meal I just paid for because I hadn’t eaten much beyond soup and salad and pot stickers.
Next Morning at work its 1:1s and Solo is my last one to complete. I go over his progress, the work plan, expectations for new standards and where he wants to progress and what is going well. We’re wrapping up the call and he says into the camera on his laptop staring at me like the little bitch that he is…so, did I do good?
His shoulders, broad and comforting by nature are visibly rounded as he sits bashfully waiting for an Attaboy.
Awl did come out of my mouth.
My response was of course or we would be having a completely different conversation but yes if you need to hear it, you did good.
I literally was thinking you know I desperately want to transition from writing poetry and prose to fiction but how can I? Real life is just too damn impressive to beat through my eyes.
Whatever shall I do, cries the poet in me.
Today, the Sith Lord inside replies, we get high and laugh.
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 