Exomologesis and the like

I was thinking about it this morning and really trying to figure out where the feeling originated inside me and what the cause might be
so I felt like I needed to accept the fact that I am lonely
sometimes
and I don’t think I’ve actually allowed myself to feel that
because I wanted to say that I was so secure
and so whole
that those feelings don’t belong to me
And that’s not true
I’m a human like every other human and you can’t get to a place of security in who you are as a person if you refuse to recognize that sometimes
you are sad
sometimes you are tired
and sometimes you are lonely and perhaps the loneliness isn’t a negative thing like I thought it was
and was trying to avoid it because the connotations out in the world around it just makes it bigger and sturdier
But I think my loneliness is mostly because I want to talk to somebody
I want to share my inner world with someone and connect with them on a really deep level that I don’t find in my day-to-day interactions with people that I know and people that I have access to
just a chance that I can fully express myself
ask questions of the universe out loud with someone who can do the same with me, and that feels like a void or an empty place
I crave it desperately
like most of my cravings
I can yell out my window and have somebody here but those people don’t necessarily want to talk to me or even see me fully clothed to be honest and so the loneliness isn’t about, you know, specifically that there’s no physical human body present it’s more along the lines of having to pull out my telephone at 6 o’clock in the morning and record this message into it that I will probably post to my blog later because why not
that is another outlet
I’m talking to people without talking to people
I am starting to realize that that kind of deep communication isn’t something that is guaranteed to anybody you know, everybody’s not guaranteed to be rich or tall or beautiful or whatever the acceptable societal norms are for wherever the fuck it is that you are from
everybody doesn’t have those things and you still have to exist and continue to do good in the world without legs
so even though comparison isn’t the best way to determine whether or not you have value or that your joy is real
understanding that things could always be worse is something that you have to acknowledge as well
and in this case if the worst thing that I have to deal with at this point in my life is not being able to have an intimate conversation with another human being then you know on a scale of one to you know a horrible ass existence in a ditch somewhere, I’m not doing that bad
I am not
I’m very grateful, but I need to accept that I do feel that way
that something that I want
something that I value
I can’t force it to exist
and it is out of my grasp wholly
and this outlet has to be good enough
and actually just hearing myself say it makes me understand it and accept it little more and it’s OK that I have this problem. I’m not a problem because of it
I’m not deformed or misshapen or unlovable because of it.
It’s just a current circumstance… Like being hungry you know… it it’s not even that deep because if I don’t eventually eat, I will die but I feel like I could probably be lonely forever and live a really long life surrounded by a bunch of dumb ass motherfuckers
but him
I just wanted to say it and now that I’ve heard myself say it , I will accept it and be open and curious to finding peace with how I have to exist and at the same time remain ever hopeful that that connection can form before I kick the bucket…for the final time.