For The Miseries

Oct 10, 2025

I may never admit to you, had we the opportunity to ever really discuss it, how important to my story, you were to be. The river would have flowed differently, and quite frankly by now I would be a different me, and I’m so grateful that I am this girl, now. When you search so hard for something, and find it, finally, all that intensity is still sitting there suddenly but empty- you immediately, or well at least I have often, hunted in that moment for something to attach that power to. I couldn’t let it sit in me. Without you I would have never even tried it- and if I did it would have been so much later and in former stages I would have remained, had time stayed the same- and I wouldn’t be here now, able to see the pretty parts through all the horror yet
and yet
This is the way of humans when there is enough distance from events you can look fondly back at the experience, even if it was violent. You survived it. Years after, still living when it should have killed you then. You’re a magician. I may never admit to you, but I also don’t care if you know, I needed you so because had you never come, I would have still foolishly believed that I wanted I could never get. The victimhood would have stuck in longer than, you see, and I wouldn’t get to be over it, and you and then, and be able to stare back, gratefully. I take responsibility, for the chase in the first place, some people learn the old hard ways and I am one of them, obviously. The lessons don’t end until you learned them and then new ones take their place and I’m so glad for new kinds of problems to experience and all different sorts of senses of pain- actual-not manufactured terrifying pains. A muscle stretched. A sense renewed. A strength developed that I have been able to use longer than I would have had I not had time on this planet-mistakes even-with you. A popsicle of power. Lightning in a fancy bag. A steering rock. I may never fucking ever say it to your goddamned face bitch but thank you, you terrible, terrible boy. I forgot I was on a spaceship until I met you. Magic. Adieu.