Part One

The Shadow Magnet’s Muse

Kitty,

This is how it should have ended.

-Daddy

Shadow Magnet: A human whose presence draws out repressed dark power in others against their will.

Lorenzo in 2024

Lorenzo used his pinky nail to unseal the catalog envelope. Inside, was a manuscript, unsigned, that started with no title but read Lorenzo’s First Day on earth in 1994. He smiled as his dick hardened. She was still obsessed with him. And even though he had been ignoring her for months, she had used that time to write about him, his favorite subject. He had a few hours before his next sermon as Youth Program Minister, so he went to his bedroom with the pages, locked his door and sat down to read…

Fun Fact: A past incarnation of Tazmin was a male English Priest burned at the stake for soliciting sexual favors during confessions from the parishioners teenage sons.

Lorenzo’s First Day on earth in 1994

Unbeknownst to the others, a vampire had walked in.
The formidable cold breeze wafting between the old chairs and pharmaceutical brochures was just as sterile as the lobby- crisp, hard and flat. After all the nurses and attendants congratulated the second-time mother recovering in the largest room in the ward, Jennifer was left alone finally with her newborn son in her arms, his plump tiny head nestled into her chest as she watched him blink and clutch at her hospital gown. She wondered if his perfect blue eyes would stay blue for his entire life, like her own father’s. Jennifer’s mother-in-law, Linda, had assured the visitors who had congregated in the hallway from their church that Jennifer and the baby were both doing well by the grace of God, although she wasn’t present for the birth herself and hadn’t yet bothered to check on them. Michael, Linda’s son and Jennifer’s husband had left the hospital right as Linda had arrived ushering in snow on the breeze and they had only spoken for a moment.

“Everything is about to change, mother” Michael said rushing out into the parking lot as Linda had

sauntered in shaking snow off her shoulders and scarf. Linda didn’t try to stop him, the church crowd pressed in, and she hugged and prayed with everyone who showed up with flowers for her daughter-in- law and toys for her grandson. As soon as they were out of view, she had packed up all their cheaply made yet thoughtful trinkets, cards and gifts into large garbage bags that she’d had rolled up in her purse for the occasion. Linda’s purse was bigger than she was, and she never hesitated to slam it down around people, so they knew how heavy it was and how strong she was, although her frame and age would lead others to believe she was frail. Linda stopped an orderly by waving a pink silk embroidered handkerchief at him as he passed her, “Excuse me, boy,” she said unapologetic-ally,” Could you please dispose of all this contaminated rubbish as soon as possible?”
The orderly carrying a lunch tray for a patient replied, “Hi Ma’am, I’m not on the cleaning crew, or a boy, but if you will just set the bags aside, I’ll get someone to grab them for you right away.” He smiled a smarmy toothy grin.
Linda used the handkerchief to grab at his shoulder. The Orderly was at least a foot taller than she was and was so much wider than her, that a person behind him couldn’t even see her, but she didn’t seem to notice.
“ What did you say your name was?” Linda asked gripping as much of his arm as she could.
“Clay.”
“Clay,” She replied, “Clay, like that Negro boxer, right, he was Clay too… Clay, do you know who I am, sweetheart?”

“No Ma’am, I don’t but I really need to get this food to…”

Linda interrupted, “Do you know what wing of the hospital you are in right now, Clay?”
“Yes Ma’am, This is the Nerezza Family Maternity Ward…”

Linda clasped her hands to her stomach and sighed. She swept invisible crumbs off the bottom of her skirt. She smiled back at Clay, let go of his arm and extended her hand to shake his, and then waved it away before he had the opportunity to extend his in return when it dawned on her as he was fumbling because he was carrying a tray of cooling food. She lay her palm flat against her chest.

“I’m Linda Nerezza, it is wonderful to meet you.”

Linda smiled harder at Clay, like a person smiles when they are being photographed, or painted for a portrait.

“Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Nerezza. I’m happy to help. My apologies. I will take care of the bags for you, if you would just let me drop off this…”

“Nonsense, Linda started, here… She lifted the bags and clasped them in Clay’s left hand under the tray and patted him stiffly with all her might on his back. Anyone walking past could hear her slap on his uniform. “They are light, see? Thank you, Carter or Carmichael, was it, yes Carmichael, such a masculine name.”
The tray nearly fell out of his hands, but Linda hadn’t stayed there long enough to notice. She picked up her gigantic pink purse, put away her handkerchief, waved at some people in the lobby who weren’t even looking at her, grabbed her Pastel Pink Coat and headed toward her daughter in law’s room.
Jennifer had not seen any of the semblances of well wishes from anybody so far and she didn’t

mind. The church people were lovely, but she could never really tell if they were ever being genuine with her. It took the community a long time to accept her before she and Michael got married and she was worried they wouldn’t really respect her until she became a mother, something she actually had not ever considered as a part of her life plan until she had met Michael. Their agenda was simple. They’d get married, have a couple of kids and as soon as his parents were dead, they’d sell off all of their companies and organizations in the town and just leave with their children and go be happy, like in fairy tales. Didn’t seem like Linda was slowing down though, so Jennifer and Michael had talked about nursing homes right before their daughter arrived, their first child. And now, they have 2.
At this moment, Jennifer was briefly alone, with her boy. He was perfect to her and there were no other descriptive words coming into her mind besides perfect. Jennifer couldn’t help feeling a little sad, she had pretty much raised their first child by herself. Michael was always busy, fronting this organization, hosting that church event, that they rarely had time for one another anymore, except before or after church services. Jennifer knew Michael had been there with her for the hard parts this time around, but he was gone, already. He’d already bolted out of the hospital like unexpected lightning, and she didn’t complain though, not even to herself. They had a plan, a real agenda for their lives. And it was all finally falling into place, she hoped. Her first child, Jessica, had sat quietly in the lobby with her Noah’s Ark coloring books and crayons, waiting for Grandma to say it was okay to go see Mommy and her new little brother. Jessica knew not to complain about being cold, or being by herself, or all the church folk rubbing their cold hands through her hair when they greeted her, like she was a tiny puppy. Jessica only spoke once, to ask Grandma Linda why she was throwing away all the baby’s new toys.
“Jessica, Psalm 1 verses 1 and 2, please”

“Yes, Ma’am, it goes, Blessed is the one who does not walk in the shoes of the wicked…”

“Incorrect.”

Jessica frowned.

“Do we frown, Jessica?”

“No Ma’am.”

Linda took her thumb and fore finger and opened them in front of her own mouth making the motion for a smile. The big fake photographic kind.

Jessica slowly smiled a half smile, which was the best she could do.

“The Bible is more important than those coloring books, young lady. Now while Mommy is resting, You promised you’d have that passage memorized before the baby comes home, remember? These filthy devil toys from the streets would be a distraction honey, you know that. Do you want to lose your coloring books as well, I mean if they are distracting you, would you like for me to throw them out too?”

“No Ma’am.”

“I thought not. Young ladies are quiet, and they study, correct?”

“Yes Ma’am.” Jessica replied.

“And they do what else?” Linda asked.

“They smile, Grandma.”

“Good girl, now memorize Psalm 1 and 2, before we get home, or there might not be any dessert for you know who!”

“Yes Ma’am.”

“Where’s your Psalms I gave you?”

Jessica pulled out and opened the fluorescent pink mini-Psalms for Children book she’d had in her smock pocket and started to read quietly to herself.

Linda turned away without a second thought to finish saying her goodbyes to all the well-wishers who had made an appearance and had only lingered nearby for Linda to acknowledge them. Linda had promised that they would have a big gathering at the Nerezza family house after Sunday Service to any of the actual members of her congregation from Nerezza United Methodist Church.
Linda was already concerned about what they would serve, what she would wear and what the backup plan would be if the weather wasn’t more cooperative than it was today. You could never really tell in the Midwest she thought as she nodded and shook hands, it could be muggy, it could rain, it could hail or be foggy all in the same day in Ohio. For everyone else who had come to the hospital that were not members of Nerezza United Linda passed out pastel pink church Sunday school brochures with attached envelopes for donations and invited them to come worship with her family as soon as possible and they would see her newest little bundle of joy then.
Linda was tempted to take a seat in the lobby for a short break, but someone walked past her and nodded in her general direction very politely, so she assumed that they knew her, and she didn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression; that she was tired or old or weak. It would be best if she sat in her daughter’s room for a second, since she was the only one who had done any work that day at all in her mind.

Jennifer had handed the baby over to one of the nurses who had come back in to check on her and asked the nurse to put her son down in the crib beside her. He was beautiful and quiet and tiny. She wondered if he would sing, or if he would play sports or if he would learn to speak French someday. Michael, her husband, would be so pleased. A perfect boy as the crowning jewel in their agenda. Jennifer didn’t see his overcoat on the chair in her room and she had assumed that he would be back by now. Jennifer tried not to worry that whatever he rushed out for was a major problem, the doctors had told her she needed to be calm and recover fully in order to be released to go home. Luckily, they had moved into the house right next door to Michael’s parents and had built a beautiful new room already for their perfect little boy. Jennifer wondered where Michael was but didn’t feel worried, or at least tried not to. They’d have to spend a little more time together now than they had been and she was looking forward to it. There were so many new things in their life now to discuss.
Linda burst in.

“Hi Linda.” Jennifer whispered and pointed to the baby.

“Let me just look at my grandson” She said, “Oh little Michael, he’s a gorgeous little Michael,” Linda cooed, gathering him from the crib in the hospital blankets.
“No, Linda, we decided to go with Michael’s Middle Name. His grandfather’s name. He’s going to be called Lorenzo.”
Linda felt the material of the cheap blanket, turned her nose up, and walked over to her purse with the boy in her left arm, “Oh it’s Lorenzo’s birthday isn’t it, my second little Lorenzo…”and pulled out a tiny swaddling wrap that she had made for one of her own children decades ago. She threw the hospital one to the floor, while warbling and trilling in an animated way at the baby. He was startled and started to cry softly.

“I’ll take him Linda, I’ll take him shhhh…” Jennifer said, pushing herself up as much as possible and holding out her arms. She was tired, but not too tired to hold her gorgeous little perfect boy.

“I raised your husband; Jennifer. I think I know how to soothe a child, Jennifer. You lay back, dear. You finally did it. A boy, Jennifer! To God be the Glory. And he is such a fine boy, isn’t he…”

“Where’s Jessica?” Jennifer asked, trying to sit higher up.

“Now, now, she’s fine, she is reading her Bible, like a good little girl, oh this is going to be so hard for you isn’t it, to have two children, you’ve had so much difficulty so far with just the one and all of your other responsibilities, but now, you have a son. Things are looking up for you. He’ll grow up and protect you someday, I’m sure of it.”
“I’m not having a hard time, I…” Jennifer started but Linda went on.

“Yes, yes he is just a little bundle of joy, our little Lorenzo, I bet he won’t cry at all after the circumcision in a couple of days, no he won’t will, he? He is God’s little soldier, yes he is…”
“ Did Michael..”
“ Oh darling, yes, yes, he says he loves you very much, and he will be back in a hour, he had to go do something with Scott, there was a problem with some paperwork or some such for the Memorial Library permits or some pressing thing or another and daddy had to go take care of it, didn’t he, Lorenzo, yes he did, but he will be back very soon to see his heir, yes he will.”
Linda carried her grandson over to Jennifer and put him on her chest.
“These little cribs they have here are filthy, please, don’t put my grandchild, my adorable baby Lorenzo, back down in that, you hold him, it’s your job. I’ll take Jessica home for some lunch and a nap, okay, just let me sit down for a second, I have been on my feet all day!”

“Thanks Linda,” Jennifer responded. Jennifer reminded herself at this moment, to look for nursing homes for Linda as soon as she got home.

As soon as Linda took off her shoes and sat down, the phone in the hospital room rang. It startled the baby and he started to cry again.

“I’ll get it,” Linda said, rolling her eyes about all she was responsible for in the family and walked over to the table by the window.

In her best receptionist’s voice, she said to the receiver, “Praise the Lord, This is Jennifer Nerezza’s Room, this is her Mother-in-Law speaking, may I ask who is calling?”

Michael heard his mother’s voice and without speaking, disconnected the call.

“Who is it?” Jennifer asked, swaying her newborn.

“Must have been a wrong number, they hung up. Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, since you will be resting for a few weeks, Scott said he would be happy to step in and Lead the Ladies Prayer Luncheon in your absence, he has really been a godsend for this family, I’ll tell you what, I don’t know where Michael found him, but I don’t really think any of us could manage around here without him, do you, such a blessing and so gentle, he really is an asset to our family.”

“But Linda, it’s a Ladies Luncheon, couldn’t one of the…”

“Nonsense, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it you have enough on your plate right now trust me, I’ve raised 4 children, managed a business, the church and kept my husband happy with nothing but the Lord at my side. You young people aren’t really built like that today are you? So easily dismayed, no, you’re a different generation and I accept that, so you will just have to accept that you need help. Don’t worry. I’ve got everything taken care of, the last thing I need is for you to have a nervous breakdown before my little Lorenzo runs for President.”
While Linda and Jennifer talked, Michael had called the Nurse’s station and left a message. He asked the nurse to give the message directly to his wife and no one else. The Nurse slowly wrote down the message and looked at it for a second before she folded the paper in half. She bowed her head and put prayer hands over her face so that no one could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She took a deep breath, stood up with a note in hand and fanned away at her eyes, so tears wouldn’t stream down her face. She walked down the corridor to Jennifer’s room and knocked on the door. She could hear Linda from outside, telling Jennifer her thoughts on how to properly raise children.

Come in, Linda yelled.

“Hi, Mrs. Nerezza?”

They both responded yes.

“This is for you.” The nurse walked in to hand the note to Jennifer, but Linda grabbed it from her.

“Dear, will you tell my granddaughter in the lobby to gather her things and come down here so she can say goodbye to her Mom. I need to take her home for lunch and a nap, thank you.”

“But, the man said…”

“Yes, yes, see I have the note, thank you, please, my granddaughter?”

The nurse slowly backed out of the room staring directly at Jennifer. I’m so sorry, she whispered in Jennifer’s direction and went to go find Jessica.

Linda read the note to herself. She turned her back to Jennifer, crumbled the note up and then threw it directly into the waste bin.
“Is everything okay,” Jennifer asked.

Linda smiled her “ready for a photo” smile at Jennifer and said, “Of course it is okay. Nothing a little prayer won’t fix. Hug Jessica when she comes in and we will be on our way, so you can rest

up.”

Linda went down to the nurse’s station while Jessica went into the room to see her mother and new brother.

“Do you think this is a funny prank? What’s your name?”

“Ma’am no, I don’t, I’m Patty. Patty Woodley. That’s exactly what he said, Mrs. Nerezza, I swear to god.”

“What?”

“That’s exactly…”

“Don’t you ever, swear to god…” She slammed her fist down on the nurse’s station. Everyone around acted as if they didn’t notice but it was jarring and loud. “Patsy is it? Patsy, find Carmichael. Have him come and take the trash out of my daughter in law’s room immediately, do you understand? Now. This was a terrible terrible joke someone was playing on you, and how could you know that? Right? You will never mention it again to anyone or we will sue you and your entire family, is that understood?”

“Mrs. Nerezza, I”

“Is that understood, Pamela?”

“It’s Patty Ma’am. Yes. Ma’am. I’m so so sorry.”

“No need. Never mention it again. Nothing a little prayer won’t fix. Call Carmichael.”

“Do you mean Clay ma’am, the orderly?”

“Not a word, to anyone else Pamela, got it?”

Patty nodded and picked up the phone.

Fun Fact: Since Lo’s Sun Conjuncts His Mars in Aquarius, He wants more than anything else the freedom to be eccentric and special and embrace it, but he struggles with feeling like nobody understands him.

The Same Day in 1994 for Tazmin

Tazmin pulled the car door. Locked. It was freezing outside, the sky was dark although it was daytime, and she really was in no mood to play. Tazmin leaned down to peer through the passenger side window at her boyfriend, Jahlil, who was obviously high at the moment or stupid. She felt like she did tend to attract the stupid. Tazmin yanked at the car door again. She could hear Jahlil unlock it, lock it back and unlock it. The wind whipped across her face, blowing her hood

down and letting snowfall moisten her braids before she got in. He thought his childish games were hilarious and anytime he could harass or embarrass her, he did so. The length of time that she kept her eyes closed was an indicator of how cold it was and how tired she was of his antics.
“You play too much.” She said, shivering and pulled her hood back up, rubbing her gloves together. The inside of the car would normally have been too warm, but after standing in the cold for so long it was tolerable, much like the relationship. Jahlil reached over with his hot fingers and grabbed her chin. “Lighten up beautiful, I’m, well here, aren’t I?” Tazmin pulled away her face. “Thanks” she said, looking out the window. “For what?” Jahlil asked. “For taking me back to school in this stupid snow. I appreciate it. I’ll give you gas money when I get some money.” Jahlil smiled and shook his head.
“I want to take you. You don’t owe me nothing.” He said, fishing an unfinished joint out of his ashtray.
Tazmin fumed and stuffed her purse under the seat and took off her scarf. She shook her head no. Jahlil pulled her hood off with his right hand, unfastened his seat belt, and leaned toward her for a kiss. His mouth smelled like the ashtray and almonds.
She moved her head away from him and scooted as much of her body as she could closer to the door, tightening her coat around her body.
“What, I can’t kiss you now?” Jahlil asked, moving back into his own seat space and lighting his joint.
“Why do you have to do that all of the time, are you going to be okay to drive?” Tazmin said softly.
“I drive better when I’m high…so you just gone be mad forever?” Tazmin tried to hold back tears and took a big breath.
“Maybe you should hit it once, babygirl. It will calm you down.”
“I don’t want to do drugs, you know that.” She said toward the window, tempted to roll it down since she couldn’t think of anything else to do with her hands outside of punching the glass or his face.
Jahlil quickly turned off the car.
“Oh now what, what are you doing?” Tazmin asked annoyed and immediately starting to shiver again.
“Listen, I said I was sorry. How was I supposed to know that we were going to get back together?”
“ I dunno, I thought you loved me so I still just don’t see why you would do it.”
“But you are so quick to blame me Taz- none of this needed to go down like it did, I mean I am sorry.”
Tazmin breathed deeply. She looked calm but her hands and toes were tense.
“Maybe I don’t know you at all, J” Tazmin offered, “Can we just go?”
“ Look at me.” He said softly. Tazmin stared at the dash, and then the rearview mirror and slowly turned her face toward his. He could see the tears welling up in her eyes that she was holding back unsuccessfully.
“ I do love you. I always will. You’re my girl.”
“You got a funny way of showing it.” She said, trying not to sob.
“ It was a bad situation, Taz. I didn’t know what I was going to do without you. I didn’t expect your best friend to call me and try to cheer me up. Next thing I know, she is coming over all the

time, bringing me shit, buying me clothes, wanting to go out and smoke with me. It was fun and everything, but it wasn’t like I loved her. I was just trying to fill a hole you put in my heart when you left. I didn’t leave you, I just…well I got caught up.” Tazmin sniffled, pulled a tissue out of her pocket to wipe away the slow falling tears. She wasn’t really even sure why she was crying in front of him, when she knew he loved seeing her vulnerable more than any other position.
“She was my best fucking friend, J. My best friend. You knew that. And you took her from me. I can’t be friends with her again. Now what? I look stupid. I don’t even want to come back home anymore. I’d rather just stay at school now.”
Jahlil started the car again so it could rewarm. He lit his joint.
“She was not your friend. She acted like your friend Taz. You’re the coolest chick she knew, and she said that all the time. The girl wanted to be you, don’t you see that? Why do you think she would go after me?”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, let’s just go, please.”
Jahlil hit the joint a couple of times and handed it to Tazmin. “Hold this” he said and checked his rear view mirror and side mirrors before he pulled out of her driveway onto the icy salted road. They drove down her street, leaving her hometown once again for the hour trip back to her college campus. It wasn’t until they got to the freeway, that he asked her, “Did you hit it yet?”
“ No here,” she said handing it back.
Jahlil took the joint, hit a couple more times and put it out. Tazmin reached under the seat for her purse now that she was sufficiently warmed, pulled out her cigarettes and lighter and lip gloss. She pulled down the overhead lit mirror while he drove, cracked her window slightly to let out some of Jahlil’s smoke, reapplied her lip gloss while he stared back and forth at the road and then at her.
“You are so fucking beautiful.” Jahlil said, laughing.
“Whatever,” Tazmin responded, with a sniffling half smile. She lit her cigarette and put her pack and lighter away.
“ You are, and the best part is, you don’t really even know it.” Jahlil added as they turned onto the empty freeway headed north.
Jahlil turned on his radio and put a Tupac CD on, turning it up very loud and bobbing his head as they drove. The trees were bare but heavy with snowfall and the wind was blowing the fallen snow all over the windshield and although Tazmin was scared, she at least trusted Jahlil’s driving skills enough to get them to her school safely, even high, as he was the person who taught her to drive just a year ago.
“So, do you still talk to her?” Tazmin asked for no reason. It wasn’t going to change how things would ultimately go between them she knew, but the music was loud and empty, and it felt more like a punishing silence in the car than she could bear.
Jahlil was rapping his favorite part of the song with Tupac and hadn’t really heard her. She leaned over to the radio to turn it down and he tapped her hand.
“Never turn down a Black man’s radio woman, you know that. What’s up baby?”
She put her hands back into her lap, eyes forward and waited.
Jahlil, after a big sigh, turned the radio down only enough that he could hear her.
“What did you say?” She was convinced he had done this whole performance to vie for time to think of a lie before she asked again, like he always did.
“ I said, do you still talk to her?” Tazmin ashes her cigarette out the slightly opened passenger side window.

“ Nah, for what? I told her what was up. I told her you and I was getting back together. That you were the only person for me, and she was just a rat and needed to let it go. I haven’t talked to her since, I swear.”
“Uh huh” Tazmin responded.
They hit a small chunk of ice in the road or a rock and the car slid a little, but with expert snow driving skill Jahlil had course corrected and put his right hand on Tazmin’s knee to calm and brace her.
“Don’t start panicking, we’re fine, we’re okay see, everything is fine.”
Her heart had jumped. She decided to light another cigarette with the one she was smoking.
“You really ought to hit a joint, instead, reach into my glove box.”
Taz put her lit cigarette out the window and opened the glove box. The only things in it were Jahlil’s registration card, a 9MM Glock and an Altoids tin.
“Grab me the mint box, babe.” He said.
She pulled it out, closed the glove box and tried to hand it to him.
“No, reach in there and pull out a joint for yourself. Go on.”
“No, Jahlil, I don’t fucking do drugs.”
“It’s not Drugs. I know you don’t do drugs; it’s just weed.”
“It’s illegal. I don’t even understand why you do it, this is stupid.”
“ Woman, a lot of shit is illegal that shouldn’t be. Have I ever steered you wrong before?”
She stared at him knowingly.
“I mean about something important, Taz, come on.”
“ You lie all the damn time, why should I ever believe you?”
“Because I beat you in the Bible Bowl Olympics at church, that’s why.”
“Fool, Tazmin said, “that was like 3 years ago, OMG we were in high school!”
“Yeah but I beat you, he said, and you’re the smartest girl I ever met.”
“Okay well why you bringing up old shit?” Tazmin asked. Trying not to laugh now. Jahlil always knew how to change her mood by complimenting her in a compliment of himself.
“I was high then. I’m always high. Obviously, it isn’t affecting me in a negative way. I’m cool. I’m sexy. I’m relaxed, and I’m still a genius. You should smoke once, you’ll see.”
“Well I don’t need your drugs to be smart.”
“I know, but it will help you relax, hit it once, maybe you’re actually smarter than me once you try it.”
“No.”
“Okay but you’re missing out.”
“I wish you would stop actually.” Tazmin said putting the box in the armrest between them.
“Stop? Why?”
“Because maybe I don’t want to be with someone who has to be fucked up all the time. Maybe I want to get married someday and not to a guy who sells and uses drugs. Maybe I would trust you again, if you straightened up and I dunno acted like you loved me and not just yourself.”
Jahlil turned off the radio.
“ So now we not getting married?”
“Are we?” She asked.
He put his hand back on her lap.
“I don’t ever want to be without you again. You’re my heart, Taz. I need you.”

“Not as bad as you need the weeds.”
He let out a laugh so loud even Tazmin had to start laughing with him.
“The weeds? The weeds, Taz? Word? The weeds!?”
“Or whatever, ha, shut up.”
“ Okay, I will make you a deal. You hit that joint twice okay, just for me, please? And if you don’t like it, if you still think it is bad then, I promise I’ll never smoke again. I’ll quit right now, and I won’t sell it anymore or anything else, okay, if you truly hate how it makes you feel deep down in your soul, okay?”
“Whatever, you are lying again.”
“ No seriously, I swear. Jahlil promised. “If you smoke and find out for yourself, and you hate it, then I’ll quit. I dunno what I’m do then, but I’ll have you. Don’t you trust me? I swear.”
Tazmin rolled her eyes and pulled her braids back into a ponytail by wrapping one braid from the front around them into a knot.
“This is so dumb. You know good and well I’m going to hate it. Why would you even suggest that I prove you wrong?” She asked.
“ I’ll even make it fair, then say you like it okay, just say you do… if you do then, I get something too.”
“ Oh, like what?” She offered, turning her body toward him. They only ever seemed to be good together, Tazmin noticed, if there was some sort of wager or competition happening. She couldn’t tell at that moment if she was sadder or happier for knowing it.
“ If you do like it then you gotta hand wash Dominion for me…in a bikini.”
“Oh boy, youse a fool, hand wash this car? In a bikini? Me? Ha ha, I would literally never do that you are so dumb.” She laughed and took off her coat.
“Turn the heat down a little.” She asked sweetly, not opting to put her hand anywhere near his radio again.
Jahlil obliged.
“Sounds like we got a deal, unless you’re too chicken. I’ve never thought of you being a chicken.” He teased.
“I’m not a damn chicken. Everybody in my family smokes weed, I’m not scared of your stupid weed.”
“What are you scared of then?”
“I’m not scared, it’s just wrong.”
“Jesus would smoke with me, that’s all I’m saying.” Jahlil laughed. The wind whipped the car a little harder, and the sky grew a bit darker. Neither of them could see much of the road ahead, so Jahlil decided to pull off into a rest stop.
“What are you doing?” Taz asked.
“I’ma pull over for a little. See if the snow dies down, plus I have to pee.”
He got out of the car, bundled up and turned back to the window. He made a motion for her to roll the window down. She leaned over to this side of the car and did so.
“What, hurry up, dummy, it’s cold!” She said.
“Don’t you smoke that until I get back.” Jahlil blew a kiss to her and ran toward the Rest Stop Lavatory, the only light they could see in any direction.
Tazmin opened the Altoids box to see there were 4 joints in there. She picked one up and smelled it and put it back. She didn’t really know what it was supposed to smell like. She opened the glove

box to look at the gun. She didn’t touch it, but it scared her a little and made her feel safe at the same time. She closed the glove box, checked her face in the overhead mirror again and shuffled through her purse to finally light that second cigarette. In her purse she fumbled across the first letter Jahlil had ever written her, the paper folded and creased and yellow and barely legible anymore. She smiled and opened it to read “The stars are in your eyes, and they melt my heart. You are my whole universe. I promise that if you will have me to love you for the rest of our lives and make you happy. That’s all I ever want to do, love always, your man, J-. She refolded the letter and put it in her bra. She looked back toward the rest stop for him as the windows started to fog. She touched the letter stuck to her chest as he started running back. She leaned over and opened his car door. Something she knew he loved from some movie he saw last year. Tazmin wasn’t sure if she loved Jahlil or if she’d ever had, but he was spending his free time traveling her through the snow back to her school for free and once he had promised that the way he felt would always be the way. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she also was tired of hurting herself by continuing to deal with him. If she didn’t need him, she thought, this would all be so much easier.
“Its so fucking cold, Jahlil said when he got back in. He wiped some of the snow on his hood on her cheek.
“Stop dummy, omg what is wrong with you?” They laughed.
He pulled the joint out of the Altoids box and lit it.
“Aren’t you high enough, sir, my goodness, come on now.”
“This one for you, I’m just lighting it,” He said smiling.
“ Well just smoke it, I’m not smoking it.”
Jahlil started coughing violently.
“See, look at that.” Taz said, lighting her own cigarette. “You finna die before we even get there!”
“ Baby, Do you love me?” Jahlil said. Blowing on the tip of the joint so the fire would light evenly.
She touched her chest. This was it. He must have felt it. She was wavering and saying no right now could mean all sorts of things- he could leave her at this truck stop, or worse, shoot her with what was in the glovebox. He was under the influence of a drug and the only thing he really wanted to hear was the only way she knew she would get to her destination safely, and could reconsider another time.
“Yeah, I do, do you love me?” She responded.
“You know I do. More than anything in this world. More than herb. More than Tupac. More than everything.”
“More than Dominion?” She teased.
“You pushing it lady, hold on, ha but yes, even more than my car.”
He hit the joint again.
“Just try it, I mean either way, you win, right? If you hate it, then I will stop, I promise. If you don’t then, our whole lives will get better, like exponentially.”
“Exponentially huh?” Tazmin repeated, “You finna lose, you know that right?”
“I ain’t never lost before…”
He handed her the joint.
She tried to hit it like a cigarette and coughed so hard she had to take her glasses off.
“Not so hard, dang, one more time though, easy, easy, baby.”
Tazmin hit the joint once more.
Wait now hold the smoke, don’t let it out yet.

Jahlil started the car. Tazmin held the smoke for as long as she could and then let it out in one large puff.
Jahlil laughed, turned his music back on and merged back onto the freeway. The clouds had parted slightly, and the wind had died down.
She handed the joint to him, and he leaned over and kissed her. They hadn’t kissed in so long and his lips felt so soft. She couldn’t smell the ashtray in his mouth anymore, only the almonds. She sat back, put her seat belt on, and finished her own cigarette, not even paying attention to the fact that they were passing the joint back and forth.
“At least it makes your bitch hoe bitch hoe music sound better.” She said.
They both laughed.
“What are you going to do when you get back to school?” Jahlil asked.
Tazmin started talking to him about her classes and her dreams of pledging this semester and her old roommate and pretty much anything she could come up with, came out of her mouth and Jahlil just laughed and listened. She talked about her favorite professors and her shady RA and how bad the food was. Next thing she knew she was telling him about how badly she had missed him when they were apart and all of the terrible dudes who had hit on her back home and at school while they had been separated. Before she had even realized it they had pulled up in front of her dorm and had been sitting in the parking lot for a while with the heat still on as he had lit another joint that they were sharing.
“Ah, I better go in. I’ve got so much to do. Thanks for bringing me back.”
“ I can’t wait until the next sunny day, Jahlil said, you are going to look so shit hot washing Dominion.”
“You thought,” she laughed. You’re done with this ol shit and I hope it is finally out of your system. I’m not high at all and smoking weed is dumb baby, we got to do better. And since you promised…”
“Well hold on Jahlil interjected, “You not high? You sure?”
Tazmin licked out her tongue. “No, dummy, I’m not.”
Jahlil laughed and slapped his own knee.
“Taz,” he said sweetly, “You’ve had your right arm raised like you had a question ever since we left the rest stop. You haven’t put your hand down for 30 minutes. Look for yourself.” Taz looked to her right shoulder and sure enough, her right arm was raised toward the sky.
He had outmaneuvered her, yet again.

Fun Fact: Since Taz has Neptune Opposing her Mars in Gemini, she’s an obsessive romantic and hopes she can find a special someone who will come and save her so when she focuses on them she has zero boundaries and it leads to toxicity.