Breathe into peace…
To my friend:
Ugh. Alcohol. Listen I wouldn’t have had any today but I went to see Sinners and as a former resident of Sin City, as well as Darth Vader, the most easily influenced motherfucking soul on the planet, after I saw it I needed boooooooze.
Hold on- let me see something.
To myself: I tend to stay California sober, which means that I am usually high, but only on sunshine and weed, and on those rare occasions that I happen to be at home and I happen to be alone and I happen to be free and I happen to be available and I happen to be interested in doing something other than my favorite things to do
One of the other favorite things to do comes up because all of my needs are met you see
It’s a frivolous thing.
Me to the 26 year old on the dating app: Owner? I prefer Master but you shouldn’t expect anything from me, I haven’t suggested you be my pet.
Me to me:
The right music, place and feeling…
I got someplace to sit got someplace to sleep. I got something to eat. This isn’t a thing that I find to be a necessity until alcohol gets involved and does it crawl right into my open sores right into the wounds right into the past right into you and I miss you and I know ain’t no way in hell I’ma tell you
so ain’t no way I’ma unblock You
ain’t no way I’m a see you
ain’t noway I’m gonna talk to you.
Healing is not linear.
I’m just saying I realized something about me that when I’m in my free free when I am not afraid of anything when I got that Dutch Courage in me, you’re the first thing I wanna step on
like Mount Everest
with the flag in my hand and the wind at my back
I wanna stand that flag square into your chest
And take a photograph that says mine forever. I was the one.
I was, I was. ha, I was…
how come that seems so much fun whenever alcohol comes up
I don’t know, but I’m writing it down, but I’m letting myself know that I’m self-aware in this bitch.
OK I see what I do. I see my patterns. I see how I play. I see my games. I understand the catalyst I understand the outcome. I know what street this is. I’m familiar with the smell
And instead of dragging my weary bones right back into that same ass hell I rather reminisce about when I used to be that dumb
when I used to be that simple and all the things I did to let you know how much you meant to me when I was free when I was dumb when I was young when I was drunk and now this drink, even though it brings your motherfucking punk ass right back to me in my mind, I’m so happy that I have a chapter of you.
Healing is not linear.
adored in a place
I can go to
To feel you once again
Breathe
because you were so fucking real
Breathe into…
I got to feel that
in person
Breathe into peace…
Me to the 26 year old on the dating app: We can video chat I guess when I’m available, not all submissives are worthy. Superman. Jesus. That’s my type. Understand?
Me to me:
I got to taste it. I got to touch it. I will never forget alcohol rings and sings and brings you home.
I don’t drink very much anymore and I don’t plan to drink again as a matter fact until I’m on the French Riviera because you know, and I know
all I ever wanted your motherfucking ass to do was be able to speak French
And this year for my own treat for myself I am taking myself to France.
To my friend:
Okay. I just totally did some dumb shit for science. Listen friend I’m telling you this because you’ve always got a good voice of reason. I do not want to drink again until I head to the French Riviera next month. Until then I need my balance. You hear me say stupid shit be like uh, Cali sober right?
( Just high ) lol
But tonight… I’m on dumb shit. Man I missed scary sexy vampires. Ugh. Alcohol. As long as I don’t reach out to the monster I’m doing good.
To myself: That’s the kind of bitch I really am and I don’t wanna be drunk again until then
I would love to have some champagne and when it hits my brain, say your name and maybe even make a video about how much I miss you and how much I’m so so happy I was smart enough to be gone
Cause the fucking fantasy and the delicious city and the wonderful mess of it would be gone if you were sitting here in my face every damn day
glad you went away.
Glad you can never stay.
Healing is not linear they say damnit.
I am dealing with this the best way I know how
talking now
write it down.
Damnit.
I know you feel the same way I do. I know that because I met you I’ve taste you I’ve touched you.
Damnit.
This alcohol reminded me once again out of the blue, but you know what I’m hating on it better than I used to because you will never ever hear from me again and that’s on everything that I believe in
Because I love you so motherfucking much when I’m fucked up.
Damnit.
Me to the 26 year old on the dating app: Take the dog filter off. You like it? You defy me? Goodbye.
Breathe into peace.
Me to me:
I will let your ass go for real though and me speaking to you again can only be artificial artistically and they will study you and me
Study
I hope you have a wonderful Saturday.
Healing is not linear.
To my friend:
I’ve got some other stupid shit going on. I’ma do better when I’m older. Lmfao!!!
Me to the 26 year old on the dating app: Los huesos son para los perros. La carne es para los hombres.
I’m LA CARNE. I don’t do dogs and apparently no more boys. If I tell you to do something and you hesitate, you cannot serve me. I do not tolerate fear, hesitation or shame. I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for, padawan.
To myself: I hope you’re living the rest of your life in peace. I miss you as much as you miss me
And now I’m gonna sober up and ask so what am I gonna eat??
The baby in my messages: I’m sorry Madame. Please.
Healing is not
It’s not
It can’t be
I know it’s not linear….
I’ll not be replying. This was enough feeling for me. Save the drinking for some fucking meaning!
Breathe into peace.
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 