I woke up in Ajaccio having just traveled there by sea from
Barcelona and faded easily into the atmosphere
I am not myself until I am seen somewhere else
Somewhere else I’m just a brown skinned voluptuous woman with a beautiful smile and gigantic personality immediately without effort other than breath alone
and all of it means nothing, just markers for shapes and echoes, not permanent, just a lofty perception in the clouds and scene of the moment
there were others around me struggling to survive that day
others playing with hearts and others knaves and others knives
still others complaining that the cafe con leche wasn’t as good as wherever they were from
and I felt humongous- it was after all a Tuesday
and I celebrate fiercely on every Tuesday I get to see
some people do this annually alone which is why I was even on the trip after all
so I partied-
I partied- for all the times I had cried over money or a man
I partied- for every one I expected to love me my whole life who wouldn’t be getting to see any of the photos I took in Cannes or Monaco-
I am not myself until I am seen somewhere else
Monaco- I’ll never get to go there again in this life more than likely
yet this country girl from the Midwest born into poverty has gambled in Monte Carlo
stared at castles high as a kite on smuggled Cali weed
The monster crossed my mind of course and I wanted to send him a message on the internet saying so
as it was the French Riviera and I had mentioned us going one day and him speaking French to me and I wanted to tell him that I wished he was there with me but you know what, I still got to go- I thought about it so long and so often that I literally found myself there- but he wasn’t by my side, and I had to admit in that moment that part of the fantasy did come true
he was there in my mind
he was there even though he wasn’t
I am not myself until I am seen somewhere else
but he didn’t deserve to know that so I didn’t say a word to him, and I never will again because if I ever do I never loved him at all and instantly he faded into the soft cool Mediterranean under tones of the surroundings and little did I know that very soon in Palma de Mallorca he wouldn’t even be an after thought but on this Tuesday of all Tuesdays I made peace
With how glamorous life can be
even when you are outside looking in at glittery things that don’t belong to you when you realize that those things only temporarily belong to others-
at any moment balances well planned and maintained could tip in the favor of the downtrodden
countries over taken
deals made
no taboos in love
histories rewritten in poetry and stones the only truth is your understanding of what is happening where you are right now and do you genuinely find the puzzle piece sized moments in your life where you fit in
no taboos in lust
I will take Corsica with me for the rest of my life here on earth
smoking in that club in Ibiza wearing a red ostrich feather boa surrounded by the most beautiful men of every age ethnicity socioeconomic status label flavor size temperature that had encircled me while the music thumped and I patted them on the face with my boa and they laughed and danced for their lives hoping for a feel a touch or a kiss
that I might take them home and they find out I’m rich
I’ll wear that experience to work on those hard days
when I’m struggling to get through
feel unseen unheard unloved or disrespected
by the world or the mirrored reflection in society’s windowseat
no taboos in life
age is epic because it can and does mean everything how much of living do you get to see you lucky little shit- will you be happy during some of it
I am not myself until I am seen somewhere else
little did I know that when I would come home after going back to Barcelona that my life can now have resort moments in the light of the day anywhere I’m breathing
reminiscing on light moments standing in the sea watching frolicking and love making on topless beaches next to clear waters and wineries and fresh pastries
just as good and often better than the ones I can get much nearer to me
may I wear kaftans henceforth unabashed, always have a full glass, smile across my gorgeous face, well fed, well read and at peace, free whether I acquire more passport stamps kiss another delightfully stupid human male or hear my own applause ever again
I did I can I have I am
Doing and not fantasizing
I didn’t lose at the casino either I left with what I brought and that’s the bad ass gambler I have always been
dancing and singing
no taboos at all no more being a doll
’cause I stand out too much trying to be anything other than an upper case G.
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 