8 Beasts of Burden

Hey.
I know I shouldn’t assume that you want to talk to me but it’s been really hard all this time not getting the chance to talk to you. We’ve never actually resolved things and I know I said I had a lot of growing to do and couldn’t really articulate how I felt then but now, I don’t know, I’m ready to try if you will let me.
You know me. When I met you, I was going through a lot of changes, trying to figure myself out and I’m grateful to you, always will be for holding me up during that time. The respect I have for you, is kinda hard for me to explain, you have always given me exactly what I told you that I needed and I could tell, it wasn’t just something to do for you, that you genuinely had affection for me.
You know I felt the same way I just wasn’t ready or capable of saying. I worried a lot about it not working and what other people might say, well because I was selfish.
Nothing compares to you. It’s hard for me as a man to say you make me feel safe but, you do.
I’ve actually done everything that you told me to go do- I’m taking care of my health now and my body. I spend time with good people who are trying to put a little good into the world and I feel happy but incomplete. I haven’t been able to share music with my friend, or talk to my friend about regular shitty days because I pushed her away. I’m sorry. I’m a jackass and I tried to distance myself but every time I do, I can’t help but think of you and hoping you aren’t falling for someone else who doesn’t adore you like have since I was 22.
I feel bad because I have so many fantasies of us I simply can’t shake. You and me finally coming home to the same place. Sleeping in the same bed. Talking face to face instead of on our phones. Forgive me. I was slow but if its any consolation, taking all this time is how I know. I want to see you. I don’t know what will happen or if you’ll even have me but you have to tell me one way or the other, I don’t think I could handle many more nights not knowing if you still ever think that maybe you love me still too. You said if you let me go and I come back then, I’m yours.
Its a long shot and probably not convenient and hey, if everything in your life is going your way and you can’t see a way for me to be in it now, I understand and I don’t deserve anything more than whatever you will offer. I’m forever yours. I want to be your girl and I want to be okay with how it feels being your princess. I want to be your man too and let you learn to lean on me, like I have on you all this time. I’m on my way if you say its okay. We’ll never really know until we try and I can’t think of anything else now I’d rather do than spend my life with you.
If I say please again
on my knees again
like the first night we spent together
will it make a bit of difference at all
Your call, my love, your call.
Yours,
The Monster

This is what he should have said.
But didn’t.
And I’ll never forgive him for not doing so.
I always wondered if he read this blog, and reaching out to me in the manner that he chose is proof that he does. So if he reads this one, he’ll just gloat.
I told my sister when we were in France that I would not be talking about his ass anymore after I turn 50 and
of course
of course
of course he shows up 2 months before the anniversary of my fucking birth.
A mousetrap I built for my damn ass self it seems.
But he knows what will happen too, if he ever reaches out to me again.
I can’t keep setting you free, if you don’t actually belong to me.