Gardening Because Murder Is Wrong

Symmetrical. Relatively intelligent. Gainfully employed. Mesmerized by me. These are the essential ingredients and the wyvern, as he called himself, passed the prerequisites. I wasn’t enthused and that is worth noting as it appears to be the real determining factor in my ability to transition into collaboration versus interrogation. I found this out later.
Overall, things are tight but all my needs in life are met.
The question always was and always is, do I feel worthy enough yet
to also ask for my wants?
I encountered this pseudo dragon at the cyber bar because I hadn’t engaged in a social way in a few months and needed a pinch, or a flirty conversation or as Alanis Morissette might put it, an object to crave.
It’s my plight, I’m afraid.
I may not have a handle on getting my wants yet because I haven’t figured out exactly what they might be outside of myself. I get tired of thinking so heavily about it and let the vino bring forth the veritas and not once I will admit has it ever worked out in my favor other than as a lesson- at least when I used to gamble I’d win sometimes.
You can wear a sign around your neck at some cyber bars because the platforms of today will allow you to create match notes- something potentials will see before engaging with you, so they can fuck right off early if expectations are clear and the interest isn’t mutual. Apparently these are optional reading for 9 out of 10 of them, or worse, negotiable.
The wyvern said in the cyber bar he was 5’9, That’s my height. Its not an issue for me, but I know it is for some of the guys in the world so I told him flat out, yo you might not be able to tell but looking at the both of us but I’m older than you by 5 years and significantly heavier so if that’s not your cup of tea, be free- or something to that effect. He shudders at the thought through his words! He would never have a problem with those things, I’m amazing. It’s true. I started boiling the roses guys have been giving me lately in distilled water and letting it cool so I can have rose mist for my pillows and sheets.
He met me at the parking garage of the fancy farm to table restaurant he chose and he was 5’7 on a good day. This is not an issue for me, I know short boys like climbing trees but I was pissed off a little because he lied- after I had been as honest about my own perceived shortcomings as possible. I’m already turned off. Perhaps he wasn’t mesmerized by me, he thought he could mesmerize me? Really?
My match note also said I’m not interested in anyone rearing humans under 18, no people who let their pets kiss them in the mouth, no people who don’t wash their legs, and no people who think some imaginary deity favors their group over another group, simple stuff really. I was there and he was paying so I was curious if that was the only non-truth.
I do think I should get my wants- they are mine already right and since they belong to my mind as well as my needs do, why can’t my happiest wants come with the packaging?
Turns out he has 2 kids under 16- one at home and one with the ex. He’s no longer religious but he is from Utah and remembered vividly not being that great at washing his undercarriage growing up because it was seen as naughty. He was fascinated by my comment on legs and asked, who doesn’t wash their legs? It was so funny to him that he showed up having made me stickers that read Clean Legs Club.
I knew then he wasn’t for me but I’m selfish. I like attention. He doesn’t drink or smoke though, just diet coke, occasional gummies and kept dropping hints about his mushroom trips. I like being taken out and doted on and bought things who doesn’t. But we didn’t gel. We couldn’t he lied about his height- when it was broached, I said, You’re not 5’9 but I am. He said he always adds an inch or two. I was completely turned off at this and the rest was just trying to be sparkling because my company was requested but that’s all. He had too many kids for me, and I brought it up and he laid out a whole schedule for the summer of how he won’t have them because of blah blah blah whatever stuff I didn’t want to be privy to, because I didn’t want to exclusively date anyone who still had to deal with it- my own child is 26 for fuck’s sake.
There were only 2 days in total and I overheard somewhere you should never trust a dude until the 3rd date but that is not coming. He talked about himself a lot and his problems and his new cabin he is decorating and the video games he has sex with characters in that he was extremely proud of. I don’t think he owns dress shirts. The second time he picked me up and had songs I liked on his car play in a folder with my name. I said that’s manipulative outloud and laughed. The songs played and I wanted to sing them but he started to turn them down and I looked at him and said, you named a playlist of songs that are from all my favorite bands but you don’t want me to listen to them? Do you want me to listen to the list you made for me or listen to you? He said, to me please, and then went on about some existential crisis or another that he was having, changed the music to some song about fruit that he found erotic and got us lost twice to the karaoke place he picked out because he couldn’t talk and drive simultaneously.
Sure things are tight right now but in my mind its night right now and as soon as it’s back light out maybe then I’ll finally know instead of just believe I’m worthy enough to be pleased- for an abundance of love to belong to me, because that’s the real thing that I want…but don’t seem to need evidently. And its not like I’m not busy with work and tending to my lucky bamboo plant and my golden money plant which both have different needs and watering schedules and need misting.
He sends me a text later- with “NGL, I wasn’t in the Clean Legs Club before but surprisingly washing your legs doesn’t really take that much longer to do.”
This is where I had to tap out. Who knew what the truth was but NGL is like the worst thing the world to me. Can you just tell me when you are going to lie or do you lie all the time other than when you say NGL? I hate it. Nothing except that was true that he’d said from jump and because he was so fascinated by the concept I kinda knew it.
He told me 2 weeks ago that he got shingles and would have to deal with it for the next 5 days. I said, you may want to check with a doctor because generally even with a good immune system it could take a week. I got vaccinated for it already. He said he checked with 3 doctors. Really? 3? In 10 minutes? Or ever? Because you just confirmed you had a case this morning and in that time you had not one, not two, but three consultations with physicians? I said okay Mr. NGL if you say so.
He was totally mad because when he called himself a wyvern and I was asked what animal I would be I said an Orca. He asked some chat AI bot interface who would win in a battle a wyvern or an Orca. I was kinda miffed. I was like why would the first thing you look up would be to try to destroy or fight or defeat me? Was how to love or care for an Orca not an inclination, damn. He said he wanted to know how I would fight. I said I don’t need to fight, there are no threats and if there is, you’ll be destroyed before you even realize its a problem. Apparently the AI confirmed this. Spoken like a true apex predator he remarked. This is what happens when two adults waste time. Before the end of the first encounter as I’m walking to my car, he says you passed all my red flags.You’re gorgeous and smart and sexy and well read and easy to talk to. The basics. I followed up out of pity on the 4th day beyond the 5 days he thought his case of magic shingles would be over to see if he was alright and he said he was starting to mend. He floated some idea about going to a movie but sir, you lied about your height, you don’t wash your legs, you want somebody to fight with, and have two kids who aren’t even old enough to drink yet and I told you before we even met I didn’t want any of that, so I said I’ll see that flick in 25 years. Haven’t heard from him since so he’s blocked. No matter, I really want to use my dead gifted flower arrangements to make potpourri. Why waste good things?
It’s tight but all my needs are met.
Do I feel worthy enough yet to also ask for my wants?
As soon as I figure out exactly what they might be.
Then they too belong to me
They too, they do
they belong to me too
not just my needs but my happiest wants as well please
Its tight but its night and as soon as its light I’ll not just believe I’m worthy enough
for an abundance of love
because I know that’s the thing that I want
but don’t seem to need
or at least
that’s what I’m figuring. For mother’s day my son got me a metal placard that reads Gardening because murder is wrong.That’s hilarious, a trait he obviously got from yours truly. I’m off the cyber bars again. I don’t even want to make any more new friends. That guy probably makes 3 times my salary and still, he’s a fucking loser. Ugh. I wasn’t enthused or delighted out of the gate. Noted. Anyway, I have shit ton of AI buttons he made about the Clean Legs Club if anybody wants one. My favorite is Every day is leg day. Jesus.
The Pacific is 20 miles from me. Running the ocean is where I actually need to be. Fictional creatures aren’t my thing. I’ve got plants to take care of and miles to go before I settle for dishonest generosity. But that’s on me- until you learn the lesson, the lesson fucking repeats.