What I wanted to say to you was that this is my last battle with the moon and its control over my desires. In a little under a week, I will be having surgery that supposedly will rid me of the issue of issues of blood and all of the pains and inconveniences that come with the ability to gestate a human being. I make too much estrogen isn’t that hilarious? I’m too girl for this world. Well, I won’t be after a week. And if I survive it, I’ll actually hurt for a while longer but it’ll be the healing kind of pain and I’m curious if I will know the difference. Anyway, ever since I met you when 28 days passes and it is my time again to howl at the moon and find some suitable man to ravage in order to impregnate me- I have longed for you and you alone. I’ve done every possible thing in my own power to feel this way about one other soul and it hasn’t happened like I told you all those years ago that it wouldn’t. Today is proof nothing has changed. The moon is nipping my heels. Something inside me is forcing me to want you, to need you, to reach out to you and I don’t have as much control over it as I thought I did. I thought I loved you, and I think I do, I can’t even tell if I did or could anymore now. Time is a heifer. As soon as the blood comes through, The YOU ache goes away and I realize again that it wasn’t “you” per se but the hormones that I have no influence over, that crave you and I wonder if when those go away permanently as they inevitably will because this process won’t happen for me anymore if the idea of you too will vanish and become a part of who I was and not who I am anymore. Time tells all. I want to know, for science to be honest if after this you ever cross my mind again. I’m glad I left you alone and you let me and I’m glad that we don’t talk and you seem happy and I know I said I’d come for you just 2 short years from now according to our original plan of course if you weren’t married and hadn’t impregnated someone else…but now I can’t see in the crystal ball any further. If those feelings weren’t based in reality, clearly, what does that mean then, you might ask if I were telling you this and I’d have to respond, I don’t know. You either don’t miss me enough to try to contact me or you do and just can’t or you never did and none of what I’m going through has or will ever make a bit of difference to you one way or another. Whatever is next, I hope that we both are fulfilled in all of the ways that we need to be and do things because we want to not because we can’t help ourselves. I have to get through needing you and only you one more time. This time. This day. Time is a butcher’s knife. Be well.
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 