Let’s say there is a timer
because there is
but it isn’t arbitrary
like it really is
It is set, said, written, and known
that it has to be done before my recovery time ends
that during this physical transition I have to do double duty and make a mental transition too- not one I’m slowly working toward like a diet but an intensive examination, while I have the time and placement, it’s not guaranteed to be available at any other point and can I afford to put it off any longer if there is some meaning I can derive, some glimpse of real peace with me, what I’m made of, how I look and who I claim to be…I’d rather know than not- and I hate myself so deeply and have done so for so long, now all these back-to-back trials- there needs to be something inside me to hold onto if I’m to carry on, I know this but if there were a tick tick tick deadline, even if only in my mind, could I do it in time?

so let the inner investigation begin
what is the real reason
I can’t consistently be a good friend
to myself?

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