It is always a good idea to get a handle on how you’re feeling about your behavior and it’s best to do this a moment before acting, but it is still beneficial to tally up your decisions at the end of an evening and in this case
it’s been a couple of days now
and I need to focus my mind back on my weekly normal functioning in order for me to do that I have to make sure that there are no things that I am still reminiscing or ruminating over from a previous time as things have to be let go, and then in this moment
there are a couple of issues in the back of my head, and those issues are the fact that in the two most recent dates with men, there was making out
never mind that there was a little bit of drinking
because there was a lot
and they both were really good looking and I felt like I was OK to do that at the time but in both instances, it isn’t something that I would have preferred and in both instances, I have not seen the person afterward, so I’m going to have to get better at  
Not putting myself in any situations with someone that I wouldn’t actually sleep with if given the opportunity at that moment, and that may mean maybe not drinking as a part of a first date or you know I don’t know
that’s unfair, the one guy just happened to run into me while I was drinking that ain’t my fault
but it escalated too far
too quickly
and that is on me
I’m not afraid of intimacy, but there is a particular I guess we will call it fantasy that I do have in my mind that this person is as deeply connected to me as I would like to be towards them and then I feel like I can be physically more open  
But if I’m not sure if they feel like that, then it’s hard for me to feel OK with myself after I’ve done it
I know this about me now
I am not going to judge myself for this.
I’m just going to continue to observe the behavior and look for ways to slow down before I make decisions rather than after.
Like perhaps if I’m out drinking, I’m not flirting. If I start flirting- I need to tell the person to find me again when I’m sober and exit stage left…

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