“Hi” at 1 AM

When I finally got the message he sent at 1 my time, 3 his time, my first thought at 4 my time, 7 his time was:

Logan,

Don’t do this to me. Hi, what?

Listen you said what you had to say. Don’t come back just to tease me. I can live a happy life according to you, and you hope that I do but it won’t be with you. I accept this. I’ve had no other kind of love since I was 13 years old. I’m 43 now. For 30 years I have loved some woman or some man who didn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t love me back. My father is dead and my son lives 2000  miles away. I am alone and I have always been alone and I will always be alone. I told you that you would be the last man that I ever loved and I didn’t lie. I’m crazy and mentally ill or whatever but I can have a great job, I can have great friends, I can travel and do everything I want now but I cannot have love. I never will have it. You’re young and there’s still hope for you. If you aren’t suicidal or you don’t have a mental illness, you can find love someday. You’re creative and emotional and fascinating so there’s a chance you have low self esteem too but if you can accept yourself and what you like, and live out loud instead of tricking everyone from the shadows, and know that you will still be loved and accepted because unlike me you’re beautiful and can get away with a lot more than I could. I want you to be loved. I wanted everybody I ever loved to be loved. And fortunately for me at least I know that they all think about me from time to time and that is as close as I will ever get, Logan. Its not funny. I know you think you’re broken but could you imagine loving someone who doesn’t love you for 30 years of your life? So why would you tease me? You haven’t even been alive that long yet! I know pain is not a competition, I wish you could be happy with whoever it is you want. I’m glad my son is healthier than us both. He will never like any guy who couldn’t care less about him, or wouldn’t give him the time of day. He only likes people for whom reciprocity is a real possibility. I’m so grateful for that, even if I am unlucky in my own life. And trust me even if I could have had you Logan, hook line and sinker as you say, I wouldn’t have been able to hang on to you. I haven’t been able to hang onto anybody. They all leave. I don’t really give people a choice. Doesn’t mean I didn’t really love them, doesn’t mean I didn’t really love you. I did. With everything I could muster. I still do, but you told me what was what, and like I said, I accept it. I want you. I can’t have you. You want someone. But you can’t have him or her. This is a mental disorder. We are not okay. There’s no hope for me. But there is hope for you. But don’t tease me.  The pretty boy that I sleep with now, is not you and I try not to think about you but I can’t control it. You’re always on my mind. If you had said that I never cross your mind, I can’t even tell you what I might have done to myself as punishment. What you need you’re going to figure out in Ohio, according to you. Hopefully it doesn’t take you 30 years. Tease someone else. Everyone else seems to know love, or they pretend to…so maybe its just not something that you and I can have. I still don’t have all the answers but I don’t want to be played with.

But I didn’t want to say all that. What I wrote out on the back of an envelope to say at 10 my time, 1 his time was:

Lo,

You can always count on me to love you even if you never learn to love yourself. We are both wrong. Not everyone chases elusive hearts. Only we are afflicted; the musicians, and poets and artists who feel, hear and hope too much. We want to be accepted by the entire world because we don’t accept ourselves. I’ve been this way for 4 decades. If I had the power, I would show you who you are from my point of view. And you’d never feel the need to hide ever again. I hope that before I die, I feel the same about myself. You’re beautiful and brilliant and talented. And you can always count on me to love you even if you never learn to love yourself.

But I didn’t need to say all that. What I actually said at 2 my time, 5 his time was:

If you’re sad or bored dumb ass, try hitting me up when I’m awake. You know I’ll talk to your stupid face until you’re old, bald, fat and ugly if I’m up. Or until I’m dead. And no, you don’t deserve it and I know we aren’t a “thing”. But nobody deserves love, some people are just lucky. I’ll happily run through that little shitty mind of yours anytime, monster. It’s your best feature. Fuck you if you need money though.

What I realized at 4 my time, 7 his time is that my love will push him away eventually in both time zones and probably forever.
I am a fool. And he knows what time it is even if I don’t.

Which is why, I bet, he won’t respond.

 

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