April 1, 2013
Ok, So today has been hard.
I’m struggling with a cavity and an abscessed tooth. Major pain. And I can’t get them pulled or fixed or whatever dentists do because I have to pay upfront. I just started a new job so I don’t have insurance yet. Shit sucks. On top of this, my best friend just told me he is getting married. Normally that would not have been a big stressor, except I was in love with him and pretending not to be just to be in his life. I realized, very recently, that it was not only fucking up our friendship but messing up my real relationship with my crazy-ass boyfriend. Don’t mistake me I love my boyfriend. He just isn’t affectionate. He isn’t romantic. So I have been stealing my romance from my bestie, my ex-husband, and frankly anyone who would be nice to me. The pain in my mouth triggered some things. It reminded me how fragile other people and relationships truly are. And I decided, to once and for all, stop being a selfish greedy bitch, and let all my exes go as friends. In order to truly do this I had to get off Facebook. It is tough when you are addicted. So I did and I have been crying a lot lately. Mostly because of the pain in my mouth but also because I had no one to talk to and share it with. My bf is not a sharer, he is a fixer. If it hurts or it is broken, let’s fix it. He has no concept of money but that’s a different post. Anyway, this morning I woke up with minimal pain. So I decided to take him down to the strip and just enjoy ourselves. Which I don’t do on Sundays. Sundays are my relaxing day to prepare for the week so this was really strange and rare and should have been fun. Nope.
As soon as he got a beer in him he started complaining about how cool I have been with my exes. Not even considering I just cut them all off. He said you have been crying every day because you miss Facebook. I said, fool, I have been crying because my face feels like it is going to explode! He didn’t care. And in the midst of our argument, I get a text from my ex-bestie, the one who is getting wed. It was very casual and very painful. I had to tell him to not contact me again and all he had to say was goodbye. I suppose that’s good, but what was horrid, was five seconds before that my bf goes, he doesn’t like you but I wish he would take you off my hands.
So perhaps he doesn’t but that is okay he was a fantasy anyway but to hear that from my bf while he was drunk and we all know how drunks tell the truth, actually hurt, more than my tooth.
I am in a sour fucking mood.