This is about to sound like the most morbid shit ever but it genuinely is how I feel at this moment and I’m just expressing it not saying whether or not the feeling has value or merit it simply is like I simply am…
if I love you, if I want you to love me, the only way that I will believe that you do is if you are willing to lay down your life for me, and I know this, I can prove this, I have seen it or felt it and whether the words to match the notion ever come from your lips, makes no difference, I need to know.
And that seems childish and surface but it’s because it is the only way that I know how to love. My understanding of it is being willing to stay. Being willing to pay, over and over and over again with devotion and time, ultimately, your life. Willing to let go of trying to please anyone other than the two people in the relationship, until one of them, died. It’s not that simple but it actually is. And sure, part of the reason I feel this way is because I’ve never actually had an attached person to me, and I’ve been married. I’ve raised a human. But there is no one, there has never been anyone, since I was born here, who consistently was on my side first. Not even me for me by all accounts.
So I don’t want love hors d’oeuvres, I don’t want snacks. I don’t want to share. I don’t want to beg because I don’t need to. If it exists, truly, then the way you have to give your life to Christ, right, that’s how it needs to feel.
Sorry, because that is how I would feel, I would hold that person so tightly, like a fucking boa, only loosening my grip so they could breathe because I can’t kill them if they are already dead. I want to love you to death. Until death.
I’m possessive and selfish but I’m respectful and loyal too. I have no intention of ever lying to you. See me for real and stay, or please don’t pause over this way, please don’t inquire, go waste someone else’s time, I want to be in total control of mine until I find, or until someone who would die for me finds me and we both know and we choose to live because of it, together.
Living with anyone is the worst possible torture you could put someone you supposedly care about through and I’m beyond no picnic. Choose me like I choose you or leave me alone. I’m not empty alone, morbid sure, but I’m all full up and I need someone to be endless, no matter how much I pour in, they can take more.
Perhaps its sick and silly, or a sign of this or that, a crimson flag perhaps, I don’t care. If you don’t want to love me, like you love your last breath, then carry on…go.
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 