Beecha Aze and Buryah Bahdi

I wonder if I ever actually heal or recover if I will even crave, consider or want a companion anymore.
I met a guy, 64 years old and he couldn’t hold a conversation for more than 2 seconds that did not include sex or some sexual reference or sexual innuendo. What was the most irritating about the situation was I was having to negotiate with a man at the tire store at the same time as I was being texted about shower sex, on prices. See, in my experience, because I have a vagina I guess, when I go get anything done to my car and I’m alone, this is an invitation to fuck me over. To raise the price on everything or try to sell me shit I don’t need. I have crafted fake boyfriends, pretended to call my father for advice during these exchanges, and depending on how he is looking at me, played like I was coy, demure, dumb and interested in him potentially- so the man behind the counter trying to manipulate me, understands there is either a man in my life looking out for me or he could be that man in the future
and every time I have to do this corny and degrading shit, their tune changes. I’m on the phone with the flirty 64 year old and I tell him I have to play this game and he needs to pretend to be my fake husband so I can get out of this shop without having to spend a thousand dollars.
Mind you, before I even went to the shop, I looked up my size tires, and they were selling them for 98 bucks. I go in, and he tells me I don’t need to replace one, I need to replace all four and I dont need used tires, I need new ones and at bare minimum one is 170 bucks.
This is the kind of shit I’m talking about. I gave him a shot, and advised, I can get the tire for 98 bucks and the dude says WHERE? So I tell the 64 year old that I’m texting, LE SIGH, being decent isnt going to work, stay ready… I tell the tire cat, well let’s see what my husband thinks, he isn’t going to be happy… his attitude changes. He’s haggling now. I’m texting the exchange to the chap on the phone who is actually responding as if he were my husband and doing a pretty good job.
The clerk goes, aye listen no guy is going to come running in here and get in my face about this right? He looked scared. I noticed how short he was. The only fucking reason for this fear is he knew he was trying to fuck me over and my “husband” was going to see the shoddy work or know I was overcharged and come back in a rage. He was assuming looking at me that my husband was probably bigger and taller and blacker. He had no idea my fake husband on the phone was shorter than he was, fat, and even fairer skinned.
I laughed and said nobody is going to hurt you.
He goes in the back and then comes back and says lady, it is not your lucky day. I sold the last set of those tires this morning, I’m so sorry. ( Mind you, it is only 11 AM and the shop just opened at 10). Needless to say I left, google searched another spot on my phone in the parking lot, drove around the corner and a guy sold me what I needed at a fair price. I just had to be an old lady, which at 48 I kind of am. Decent human shit for the most part, not trying to scam old people is cool at least.
Guy on the phone who experienced this with me, goes it was fun being your fake husband, fake husbands come in handy, and then makes a comment about fucking me.
I’m disgusted and frankly, exhausted.
64 gets upset and says I don’t know why I cant find a relationship where we can playfully talk about sex all the time.
And I’m thinking, YOU PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD. I LITERALLY HAVE TO PRETEND THERE IS A MAN PROTECTING ME JUST TO NOT GET FUCKED OVER EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY AND YOU, HAVING EXPERIENCED THE SHIT WITH ME IN REAL LIFE CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY TO ME BUT YOU’RE PISSED OFF THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU CUMMING INSIDE ME AT THE MOMENT?!
Per normal I asked him the question that is the death knell- tell me about a woman you respect and admire that is not related to you.
And of course he said…
Take it easy and have a good day.
The bullets I have to dodge constantly, I swear…

So yeah, I’m clearly still crazy and everything that happens to me is my own fucking fault but I do fantasize about one goddamned day in the fucking future, when I’m not the problem or self destructive or just a general worthless piece of meat that I will be healed and never need, desire, crave or want to be loved at all anymore, fuck companionship right, its for idiotic children, right? Isn’t that what I will think? And If I don’t, can I just die, please? I’m so fucking tired….
I don’t understand how women who have lived to become 100 do it.
Whatever drugs they are on I want some, IMMEDIATELY.

But all of that happened yesterday.
I’m awake again.
I have to put a smile on again anyway, and venture out into the world or else I won’t eat.
ISN’T LIFE GRAND?