Part Four

Tazmin, Lorenzo and The Coat in 2017

The snow and black ice worried Tazmin. She wasn’t exactly sure Lorenzo would make it to her place at this time of night. It had been 2 months since they had seen each other last, and she was extremely nervous and excited. Every little thing had to be perfect this time around. She would show him who was boss she thought to herself, rehearsing the scene in her head. He would buzz at the end of the hallway, she imagined. And she would stand at the other end of the hall, wearing nothing but panties, a garter belt, fishnets, pumps and a leather corset with her lopsided but still pretty massive breasts bouncing out the top. She couldn’t decide if she would buzz him in or walk toward him yet, but the goal was for him to look excited and also terrified. They had never actually gone this far before. He had texted a couple of times that he was on his way, and it looked as if he would be late of course. His little version of a power move that was only going to cause him pain in the long run as far as she was concerned, but he was really into the pain, so it wasn’t going to be much of a punishment as far as he was concerned, which concerned her. He likes to play dumb sometimes and she had to keep reminding herself of that. He was the one who begged for this, who told her what he liked and how he liked it done but he also told her that he would rebuff, and try to get out of it at the last minute and it was going to be up to her to hogtie him, ignore his cries and whimpers and dominate him. She had poured whiskey into 3 infant teething bottles and put them in the fridge as it would be all he was allowed to drink the entire evening no matter what else happened. Her son was well aware Lorenzo was coming over and went into what he liked to call Headphone protocol, which means he wouldn’t be able to hear anything, and if she needed him, she was going to have to text him, even though they were in the same house. Lorenzo had made it clear to Tazmin after the last time that they were together that with his cock locked in a cage he was completely vulnerable to her and would do whatever she asked. He had also said that he had already done some LSD a couple of hours ago, which probably played a part in his lateness but also meant he would be sensitive to every touch. Tazmin had an actual boyfriend now, a guy she had met online a few months prior to meeting Lorenzo. It was strange, she had just moved into her new place and her furniture hadn’t even arrived yet, but she was drunk and a little lonely and thought maybe she could meet a nice guy to hang out with in this new town. Casey wasn’t really her type of guy, he was on the shorter side, average looking even when he tried hard but he was funny and so sure of himself and the first night they talked she told him she was still waiting for her sofas but he was obviously so lonely and bored too that he didn’t care. Casey came over and they sat at her dining room table for hours, smoking joints and drinking beer and listening to music. She told him that Incubus was her favorite band and he at once started singing song lyrics and what impressed Tazmin was not only was he singing deep cuts to her, high as hell from across her tiny dining room table, but he actually had a really good singing voice. She kissed him immediately, they slept together and Casey, who had never dated a Black woman before, was so “in love” with her, that they rarely spent much time away from one other. Things started to fall apart before they really gelled when Tazmin had realized Casey had lied about his job and had omitted the fact that he was a father of 3 small children, something that Tazmin had put on her profile as a deal breaker, that Casey ignored. Casey felt and stated often that he loved Tazmin, and it shouldn’t really matter and if they really wanted to be together they could work out anything, any problem they encountered was solvable. But when she learned over the course of the first six months that Casey’s ex wife was the breadwinner, His ex wife was the one with primary custody of the children and that she had moved on and met a really nice, decent, respectable, responsible guy that Casey’s view of himself and reality didn’t really jive and he didn’t really either understand, notice or care. Tazmin didn’t break up with him right away, having a white boyfriend in the Midwest was useful. He could always talk to the cops if there was an incident, they’d always get service at restaurants if he acted like he was the one with the money and whenever they went somewhere together, people were so impressed with Casey for having a girlfriend like her that she really enjoyed how good he felt about himself being by her side. The sex was decent, and they had a lot of it, but she knew, in her heart that eventually he would have to go unless, she could do whatever she wanted. He had already ignored what she asked for initially so her thought process was, if we can truly get through anything, then, he’ll just have to understand that she also wanted Lorenzo, and he’d have to figure out a way on his own to come to grips with it. When she told him about Lorenzo and how much younger that he was than the both of them Casey was upset at first, but he just assumed that he could love Tazmin better and was enough for her if he put in enough effort so to him, it was more of a challenge to become her only one, even when she said he would never be that to her. They hadn’t really spoken in the past few days because Tazmin had been spending all of her free time outside of work and mommy duties, on her phone, teasing and sexting Lorenzo. They both seemed to be available this evening so she went online to buy him a cock cage with a lock, bought red restraints for under the bed so she could tie him down, bought a ball gag and handcuffs for him along with some matching black panties for him to wear. The last time he was there she had poured wax all over his body and his hands went purple from the duct tape being too tight. It wasn’t like she had ever pretended to be a dominatrix before him so there was a learning curve. She had explained to Casey that she liked exploring this side of herself and although he offered to be her submissive, even went with her when she was shopping for items for her evenings with Lorenzo, he was already hers, so it almost defeated the purpose, especially when she actually didn’t want him, and he was free to leave at any time. Of course, to Tazmin they had fun together, they sang together at karaoke and enjoyed being high and watching movies together and even having sex together when there was nothing else to do but to her, he seemed more like a puppy dog slash best friend slash occasional sex partner, he wasn’t like Lorenzo was in her mind.
Lorenzo was young, talented and beautiful with his whole life ahead of him that she could influence and ruin and guide and correct. He was a better pet, not a puppy but a tiger.
Lorenzo was everything.
When people would see Casey with Tazmin they acted like they thought awl… that is so cute, look how he came up in the world, good for him! But when they saw Lorenzo with her, they would wonder, how the hell did she do that? This was basically her getting to feel like Casey did.
And she preferred it.
Lorenzo texted that he was outside, so Tazmin turned most of the lights low, lit a couple of candles, poured herself a cocktail while he waited outside in the snow for her to let him in. She had really never been more nervous in her life. Fortunately, he was bringing weed and if they just took the evening slowly, she would surely calm down. She walked into the hallway smoking a cigarette and looked down the corridor directly at him and waited for him to catch her eyes. They stared at one another for what seemed like 2 entire years in Tasmin’s mind. He was so beautiful. His hair was short now on one side, and long on the other so it looked like he had a flipped over blonde bang, that he was pushing back as it was getting wet by the snow. He looked at her just how she wanted him to, like he was scared, and confused and yet so excited he couldn’t think straight anymore. She waved at him and could see his eyes scanning up and down her outfit. She knew his dick was hard. Tazmin walked down the hallway toward him without a robe on and if anyone of her neighbors in the complex had bothered to open their doors and come out, she wouldn’t have suddenly acted shy about it. Tonight, was about dominating Lorenzo and if it seemed that she was afraid even for a second, he’d get annoyed and act bored and that only made her want to slap his face and she didn’t feel like slapping him around tonight. When she got to the door she opened it, threw the cigarette butt outside and invited him in by pulling his chin closer with her index finger.
“Hi Lo” she said, “I like your coat.” He was dressed so wrong. He had on what looked like a furry gray ladies style H&M coat, with wide overlapping lapels and a belt. Under it, even though it was snow everywhere outside, he had on a Hawaiian style button down shirt and some grey joggers. He was dressed like a man who got his clothes stolen from him but fortunately there were items he could throw on at the gift shop of a Hawaiian hotel. The coat was so out of place, it had to have been his mom’s or his sisters- It wasn’t made for a man but he looked so good in it, like one of those department store mannequin’s who are wearing all sorts of unrelated separates to try to convince shoppers to spice up their wardrobes for early spring. She hovered over his mouth when they got to her door like she was going to kiss him, and he leaned in for one, but she pushed his forehead back with her finger. As soon as they were both on the other side of the door, the playlist of sexy songs she made for him started going and the entire mood was set. She asked him what he had on under the joggers. He was sort of stunned and just said what and she hated when he played dumb, so she just grabbed his crotch, still looking up at him dead in the eyes, and felt around. Her hands were cold, and he bristled but didn’t stop her and he was naked under those pants. She couldn’t have been more excited. Tazmin handed Lorenzo one of her baby bottles full of whiskey and told him to go to her room and take his clothes off and when she was ready for him she would come into the room. He said okay and tried to reach for her but she slapped away his hands, even though all she really wanted in that moment was for him to say, this was fun but enough is enough Tazmin…thank you for going out of your way to do all of this but I actually love you. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you for the rest of my life and we can do this like this forever if you want to but if you want to have something real I want that too. Something was angering her at the moment that she knew he would never say. She sat down on her own sofa, listening to her own music and smoked a cigarette. Lorenzo was on the bed, he had taken off the nipple on the bottle to drink the shot straight and he was just looking at the floor. She couldn’t resist running her fingers through his hair, yanking it back so his face was looking up at her and kissing him on the nose.
“Turn the light on” she said, gesturing to him to hit the switch. “I’ve got wraps, roll up” she demanded, after handing him a clip board for a table and her empty blunt wrappers. “I’ll be back” she cooed but still in a threatening way and left the room. It never occurred to her that if her son had come out of his room with what she had on at the moment it would scar him for life but he was a good kid and had gotten his food and beverages long ago and didn’t need to even come near the living room to go to his bathroom or enjoy his snacks. She sat on her couch, nervous, not really sure what to do next but she had rehearsed that after they smoked, she would restrain him to the bed, put her headphones on him and play a recording that she made for him, while he was wearing the gimp mask she bought him, and the ball gag and the panties. She had also gotten an anal bead rotating vibrator for him too that she couldn’t wait to use once he was restrained. Sitting in the living room alone with him in the other room was probably more torture for her than it was for him, when all she wanted to do was put on some sweats, crack open a beer, sit on the couch with him, with his head in her lap, so she could play with his hair while she watched TV. Casey had texted her twice at this point but there was no reason to respond to him until tomorrow.
“Lo, where did you get that coat from? “Tazmin opened the bedroom door and asked while he was putting the finishing touches on the blunt.
“ I dunno. I’ve had it since high school.” He smiled. He knew something she couldn’t possibly and he loved the notion.
“I like it. You should give it to me.”
“Actually, you should try to take it.”
“You’ll leave it here as payment if I tell you to.”
“No I won’t.” Lorenzo replied. He held up the blunt. Tazmin took it from him, lit it, puffed twice and then handed it to him and a lighter. While he was smoking, she handcuffed his wrists together. Sometimes it was difficult for her to tell if she liked him or she hated him. He smiled.
“Go ahead and smoke that sweetie,” Tazmin told him. “You’re gonna need it.”
She went back into the living room to try on the coat.
“Looks better on me.” She said when she re-entered the room. It was actually a little too small for her. Lorenzo was so fit, and her arms were to heavy to pull it off for long compared to his but it felt like they were really sharing something special when she had it on. At least she thought.
“You can’t have it.” He said ashing in her bedroom side table ashtray, “But you can have me.”
“ I want both, bitch.” Tazmin replied, moved the ashtray away from him, straddled his lap with his handcuffs nestled between her breast and whispered in his ear “you and everything you own belong to me.” She grabbed his face with her hand and pushed him backwards on the bed. It would be so easy for her to wipe that permanent smug snarky smirk off his face forever.
Only reason she didn’t think through it further was because no one moaned like Lorenzo. She grinded up and down on him, hard, pausing to slap him when his eyes would roll back. She pulled his hair and bit him. She stopped and climbed off him every time he did the sing songy moan song of desperation trying to hold it back. Tazmin had to admit, she had never been this in love before.
After she let him cum and they both were sweaty and tired and she lit a cigarette still restrained he leaned over and said to her in a whisper, “You still can’t have the coat.”

Fun Fact: Lo will never tell Taz mostly because he can’t quite put his finger on the reason behind it but at times he feels cautious and inhibited with her. She captured his attention right away but there’s friction he can’t name, and it causes conflict.

When Lorenzo was 10 in 2004

Jessica was excited to get back home from college for summer break. School was grueling and it was very important to her to be seen as collegiate material, even though she knew that the only reason she was there was because certain strings had been pulled by Grandma Linda. It was hard for her not to be embarrassed by this when trying to make friends at school initially, but she had finally found a major that made her happy in the law, finally found some classmates who were interested in how the law intersected and avoided religion like she was, and was making a name with her papers for herself from her point of view. Of course, every public thing she was involved with had to go up the food chain to Grandma Linda for approval, but she never disapproved and that in and of itself was a feat. This summer she was going to come back to Tipp and relax a bit, hang with the family and hopefully see some old friends from high school that she simply had not had time to keep up with lately. It was also going to be good she thought, letting herself into her childhood home to see her dad and mom together again. Mom had called her and said that after 7 years of being apart that dad had gotten over whatever his issues were and realized that there was nothing more important than family and that he was going to agree to go to counseling with mom every week until the demon that was on his shoulder was sent back to hell. She had felt sorry for her father that he had to go through feeling like he might have been gay all that time but since he was a child of god, a chosen one, it was only a matter of time until he got closer to god and changed. Seeing her dad get better really put a smile on Jessica’s face. When she arrived home, her little brother Lorenzo was sitting at the kitchen table with Grandma Linda’s old typewriter, trying to figure out how to make it work.
“You need ribbon, short stuff” She whispered in his ear and tousled his hair. He turned around to see her and gave her a big hug. “Jessie!!” She shouted and jumped into her arms, nearly knocking her back into the fridge.
“Hey you’re not a little guy anymore Renzie, I can’t carry you, you are too big!! Where’s mom?”
“She went to get a cake at the bakery for you because you were coming home but she told me not to tell you. She said to tell Jessie to look after me until she gets back and then she left.”
“Oh way to go at not ruining the surprise short stuff.” Jessica told him. “I’ma have to stop calling you that here soon, you’re getting tall kid.”
“I’m gonna probably be taller than you and taller than dad.” Lorenzo laughed. “Hey where do I get the ribbon from? I bet mom has ribbon in her scrapbook box in the garage, huh?” He asked seriously, staring at the typewriter like it was an invention that he was designing that had yet to be

wholly fleshed out. “No kiddo” Jessica said grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, “not that kind of ribbon”. She rolled her eyes at him as if he should have known better and then asked “Well if I am watching you, where is dad?”
“Uncle Steve called and so dad went to see him to help him with his boat because he is going to boat to Pudding Bay.”
Jessica scrunched up her face. We don’t have an Uncle Steve, Renzie and its sail…also its Put-In-Bay not Pudding. You’re so cute!” She hugged him tightly and promised to go to an office supply store later in the day to get him some ribbon. She took her bags up to her room and noticed that her mom had been cleaning it, but everything was in the same condition as it was when she had left on Winter Break. Her mom had folded the clothes that she must have left from last break and laid them neatly on the bed. She took out her laptop and plugged it in so that it could charge and started to unpack. Her phone buzzed with a text from her college boyfriend Alain. Alain wasn’t from Ohio, his family came from England and he was so different from all of the guys she had grown up with. Sure, Alain was smart and a talented philosopher and debate champion, but she wasn’t sure Grandma Linda would approve. He wasn’t a Christian like they were, and it was really the only problem Jessica believed that he had. But she also believed that it was her duty to be an example for people like Alain and of course, like sensible people do, he would let Jesus into his life to help save him, she just knew it. Plus, he was the first guy she had ever kissed or ever slept with. She had felt like she didn’t really know much about sex but that since in her heart she knew that she and Alain would get married in a church that whatever they did together was ultimately okay with god in the long run because they were going to be a family someday. He always told her exactly what to do and she simply obeyed him. She noticed how happy it made him and all she really wanted to do was keep her future husband happy. As soon as the time was right she would teach him what he had to do to get approval from Grandma Linda, if anyone was a master at it, she was and she smiled knowing in her heart that everything would be fine. Alain would be Christian sooner or later. The message had said that he was going to be in Tipp this morning and if she wanted to join him for a late breakfast he’d come and pick her up. She had to respond that her mother was away, and she wasn’t free until she had returned as she needed to babysit Lorenzo. Alain really wanted to meet him so he asked if he could come over. Since no one was home Jessica didn’t think that would be so bad, as long as he was gone before her mom returned. She responded surely, but hurry! Lorenzo burst into the room wearing cleats.
“Jessie, look at my cleats. I get to play soccer this year, look!”
“That’s very cool short stuff but you better take those off in the house! You know mom will be very upset if you scuff up her floors. Way to go Renzie, give me a high five little buddy!” When he reached up to slap her hand she tickled him under his arm and he nearly tumbled backwards laughing.
“How do you still fall for that you know I’m gonna tickle you, hahaha!”
“One day I’m gonna tickle you, you just wait!” He teased her back. “I finished eating can I go outside?” He asked.
“Yeah, I’m gonna put my stuff away, go ahead little bro but stay in the backyard where I can see you, promise?”
“ I promise!” Lorenzo yelled back, stomping through the halls in the cleats.
Jessica put away her clothes and her luggage and put her hair into a ponytail. She opened her Laptop to put up a Facebook post of her in her room and being happy that god had gotten her home from school safely.

The first person to like the post was Alain.
Jessica smiled. After going back downstairs and pouring herself a cup of juice and cleaning up the area where Lorenzo was eating and messing with the typewriter, she had a quick look out back to see that he was running around and kicking his soccer ball and Alain was at the front door. She could see through the stained glass that he was carrying flowers.
“Good Morning, my love, welcome home.”
“Flowers Alain? For me?”
“Of course not, these are for your mom.”
Jessica took the flowers and rolled her eyes and responded, “sounds like they are for me then” and went to find a vase to put them in as she invited Alain in. He was dressed very casually in a tee shirt and basketball shorts like he was going for a run. He looked flushed to her and nervous which she thought was extremely cute.
“ I feel like I haven’t kissed you in 30 years.” Alain said, following Jessica into the kitchen.
“It’s been like 2 days…” She said back coyly.
“Oh you didn’t miss daddy?” Alain mused.
“Hush, my little brother is outside, don’t say stuff like that.” She put her index finger up to her lips and shook her head no.
Alain put the flowers on the counter and stood behind Jessica, holding her waist.
“How long until your parents get back?” He asked urgently, rubbing her sides and behind and between her legs.
“I dunno, but soon, I’m sure” She said not stopping him
“Don’t you want to feel me inside you right here right now?” He asked pulling down her pants slowly from behind in the kitchen.
“no” She said, giggling.
“Yes you do, you miss daddy, don’t you?” Alain teased.
She pretended to hold them up and try to stop him but before she knew it she was gripping the edge of the sink, bent over with her face near the spigot as Alain pushed his body close behind her so she could feel his stiffness. He had already pulled her pants down and had put his arm around her throat and told her to tell him how much she wanted it and to call him Daddy. As soon as she did he inserted himself into her and neither of them had noticed that Lorenzo had slid open the kitchen terrace door and had overheard everything they had said and had been watching them for a few minutes in shock.
He crawled under the kitchen table and listened as Jessica softly scream things like oh god yes and please daddy don’t stop and she even made gurgling choking sounds until Alain started saying things like ooh yeah take it and I’m going to cum. Lorenzo held his mouth and laughed, eyes widened, watching their feet both facing the kitchen counter, until Alain’s feet were turned around, his pants zipped and he had slapped Jessica somewhere that made a loud sound and her pants were pulled up.
Lorenzo crawled out from under the table when he thought they were done and put on his most innocent face making loud stomping noises with his cleats and said, “Jessica, who is this and why is he hitting you and grabbing you in the kitchen?” Alain, who Lorenzo had not been introduced to yet, was startled and screamed, “Jesus fucking Christ!”
Alain didn’t know that he wasn’t allowed to curse in the house and Lorenzo made sure that Alain wasn’t allowed back in it after this day for the next 2 years.

Fun Fact: Lo and Taz often feel dedicated to each other and trapped by it and this underlying energy causes breakdowns that neither is humble enough to correct.

When Tazmin was 29 in 2004

Tazmin laid her unworn wedding dress from 3 years earlier onto the bed. She made her 4-year-old son some breakfast and without talking moved around her apartment like a ghost. It was time. Her automobile loan provider was calling every few minutes to make arrangements on her car note but she kept ignoring the calls. They weren’t the only creditor blowing up the phone that day, all of them were. The ringing became a white noise. She had her little one take a bath and get lotioned and get dressed for the day, smiling the entire time but never uttering a word. It was her husband Jahlil’s birthday and they had not seen each other for 2 years. She didn’t know where he was living now but she did know that every time she ever reached out to him by phone for a divorce, he would always say no to her and disconnect the call. Her grandmother’s voice, telling her not to marry him and telling her that if she was struggling when she had a man she was stupid, rang in her ears, even though she hadn’t been brave enough to tell anyone in her family that she was stealing food to feed her kid. Her son cleaned up his room and by pointing, she let him know to pack his bookbag full of after kindergarten toys and coloring books so he would have something to do when school let out. He knew the routine, and happily went about deciding what to take. Tazmin’s current boyfriend, who understood she was married because he was as well, had called her several times in the last few days to check on her but she wasn’t responding to his calls or texts either. Her job was downsizing her department, and she had no idea what she would be able to do in the next 7 days to survive. She was tired of trying. She kissed her son on the forehead and the first thing she had uttered the entire morning was that she loved him and that after school he should walk down to his grandma’s apartment instead of coming home. He was so beautiful and smart, but she was coming to grips with the fact that she would never see him again and wasn’t fit to raise him. She felt like she had made a grave mistake bringing someone so perfect into this world, with no plan to provide for him, when she clearly could not provide for herself. As soon as she had scooted him out the door and watched him skip and clap down the street to the bus, the tears began. She closed and locked her apartment door, and pushed her living room sofa up against it, so no one could save her she thought. She went into the bedroom, looking at the dress her grandmother had bought her for a wedding that never took place. She and Jahlil had gone down to the courthouse to get married instead of in a church because they were impulsive and young, and she felt like she had owed it to him for staying with her longer than anyone else ever had. But he didn’t really love her, they both knew that, and she was convinced that the reason was because she was unlovable, and not because he was a piece of shit, drug dealing, serial cheater. She sat down on the loveseat and wrote out all of her account info and even though the checking was empty, her mom would still be able to use the insurances from work and the little in the 401K to help pay for a funeral and to provide for her son. She would leave the info on the coffee table, like the suicide note that it was so it was easy to see for anyone who might find her. She did not have the strength to carry on another day. Her stomach was cramping from her period about to begin, and the tears hadn’t stopped coming furiously since her son had left. What made her think she deserved a loving husband and an awesome child? What made her think, considering who and where she came from that she would be able to survive in this world or that she even deserved to? Fortunately, there was gin in the apartment and lots of pills. She couldn’t remember at the time where she had heard it, but someone had said that if you took 13 aspirin, it was enough to kill you, and so she had planned to do just that. She put on the wedding dress and just sat on her bed drinking the gin, straight out of the bottle and after every gulp or two swallowed an aspirin. The sun shone brightly through the window, so she went around, drinking and swallowing aspirins and closing all of the curtains. She hadn’t spoken to her current boyfriend because after having sex for 6 months he decided one day to be honest and let her know he had herpes. He was convinced that there was a cure, and he hadn’t passed it to her, but she couldn’t be sure and no longer trusted him. There wasn’t a man on earth to trust. Her mother had run her father away at 11, picked a completely different man and let him beat her for 20 years and now if she wanted her son to visit, she would have to pay her mother the same amount she had to pay daycare. Her mother hated her, and she had told her so in a variety of different ways and as Tazmin drank the gin, she knew that as soon as it was all over, she would make her mother happy for once. Her mother never hesitated to remind her and her half sisters that she had only wanted boys and was stuck with three girls instead. As soon as Tazmin was gone, her mother would have her son and finally be happy on some level. She hoped her son would give her mother hell to be honest. Tazmin went into the bathroom and started running a bath. She had heard or had seen somewhere that if you threw an electrical device in a bathtub it would shock the person in the tub to death. One of these ways to end your life would surely work, she thought. She looked down at her body and was disappointed by how fat she was. By all standards that she had ever seen in magazines or on television she didn’t belong in this world. She was fat, wore glasses, didn’t have straight hair or straight teeth, had one breast larger than the other, cellulite, flabby arms, everything all media tells you makes you a bad person. And it didn’t help that she was taller than most females she had ever met and even taller than Jahlil and he made mention of it every time they used to fight. She couldn’t afford new glasses anyway, or a gym membership or even food, so why not give up? She looked around her linen closets for the portable radio she used to drive around with in college and made sure it was in the bathroom. The tears were still flowing down her face in streams and the lacy front of her dress with its attached pearls on the bodice was covered in tear stains. No one had ever loved her, and she understood that fully in this moment and as she drunkenly tried to play out every possible scenario, this was the only one that made sense. She could feel her stomach cramping and knew the bleeding was on its way and at 29 having had her tubes tied, she just didn’t understand why she still needed to go through this process and was tired of it too.
She stood in the bathroom mirror and it looked to her as if in the steam of the bath running and through the sadness that her face was melting off her skull into the basin. She couldn’t look at herself anymore and cracked the mirror with the bottom of the radio. She went into the kitchen wearing the wedding dress and grabbed a butcher’s knife. She went back into the bathroom and finished off the bottle of gin and started on a small bottle of rum she had hit from her drunken aunt who had come to babysit for her while she went to look for a new job just the other day. 2 more aspirins couldn’t hurt either, so she took them. She sat on the edge of the tub and remembered that she had seen or heard somewhere that cutting your wrists before you got into a hot bath was sure to kill you but by this point she was so drunk that she couldn’t remember if you were supposed to do it from left to right across your wrist or from the bottom of your palm down into your veins. To cover herself she cut one wrist like they do in the movies and her other wrist, she cut straight down. She felt like blood was coming out of every hole she had, and she felt free, even though the blood wasn’t yet coming out of her eyes. She sank down into the bathtub and hadn’t bothered to turn off the water as it splashed above and around her onto the floor. If she could just go to sleep she thought, everything would be fine again, and she would never have to wake up. Blood was intermingling with the bath water but in her drunken stupor there was one thing she had forgotten, the radio. She leaned over the lip of the tub to reach for it on the sink and nearly dropped it into the puddle of water that was accumulating on the bathroom floor. She could feel herself wanting to vomit but she yanked at the radio again to pull it into the tub, and once she had it close enough to her chest, she fell backward into the bath and passed out.
Apparently, the radio had come unplugged. Her boyfriend who had been so desperately trying to reach her stopped calling and came over. When he got to the door, he had noticed water rushing out from under her door frame and immediately ran to her apartment office for help calling 911 on the way. When they all returned, they broke the door down and had to push the couch away from the entrance to get in.
When she woke up, she was on a gurney being rushed into a hospital. Her mother was standing over her, walking with the gurney, smiling at her as if she was so proud. Now her hateful mother had a reason to get sympathy from others. Tazmin’s most recent boyfriend rushed in, concerned, and asked if she recognized him and if she was okay. He looked happy too, like now he could tell people his girlfriend was suicidal and how much of a toll it’s taking on him. Might be a good enough story to get his dick sucked at a barbecue. Lying there, Taz felt herself getting even more enraged. Fake people pretending to care swarming her. She responded to the nurses that she didn’t know him; he wasn’t her husband and passed out again. Because you see he was someone’s husband, a woman he basically told Tazmin was “crazy.” Life was hopeless. She was alive still and couldn’t have been more upset about it. After her stomach had been pumped, the hospital decided to move her to the psych ward for a 72-hour suicide watch hold. On the first day they made her sit in a theater with a hospital gown, all the lights beaming on her in the room as if it were an interrogation performance and told her the audience was all medical interns and they were there to hear her story- she was a textbook case they told her, and for the most past she had done everything correct and it was a miracle she was still alive to help them diagnose and treat Borderline Personality Disorder with her story as a prime example. At least she thought to herself, she hadn’t messed it up and as soon as she was free if she ever needed to try again she had the steps to do so in her back pocket. She wasn’t sure she would ever tell anyone what was really wrong with her mind and for a bit she was convinced they were only telling her this because it was more lucrative to keep her alive and pumped full of prescriptions than allowing her the dignity of death. Maybe she wasn’t the one who should die. Was suicide the answer she thought, or homicide? Was this a textbook cognitive leap too?

Fun Fact: Because Taz’s Moon is in Scorpio, she sometimes feels judged and unable to express her feelings and in response she will repress herself and shut down- this only makes her angrier and more resentful than she was to start and it only grows.

Part Three

by THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW January 15, 2024

You could miss out or you could read this… https://books2read.com/b/b5oNAO

My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen…

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