A Different Way To Do It

01 Nov 23
13:37 PM
PDT

I’ve used this little blog for all sorts of things over the nearly 11 years I’ve had the space. I mostly whine. Sometimes I have epiphanies that others had that I didn’t know about until I wrote it down. Other times I exploit an idiot who thought he somehow had a special penis and that it’s super power would cause me to magically overlook his treating me like an object. That shit makes me stabby. And I’m hypocritical, like everyone else because I would love to shit on a person if they let me. But I digress.
I think I originally started it to write about my son’s father, I guess one of my first favorite people, but I made him into the character he was in my mind, completely ignoring who he really was in real life, which was just another person who would fuck me if I let them but couldn’t stand me. I would never say that to my son though and if he ever reads this I’ll have been dead for 20 years surely so by then, he can handle the truth I’m sure. Or maybe not, lol who the hell is going to keep this page going if I’ve been dead for 2 decades? And will anybody even use the internet that far into the future, I’m sure I’ll at least live another decade or so if no tragedy befalls me so 20 years after that humans will be onto something else. I imagine there will need to be thought police then since you’ll be able to project thoughts into reality at that point. Who knows. Who cares, I’ll have been dead for awhile. At Fucking Peace, finally.
I’ve decided that for a while at least, I’m going to force myself to write here once a week, even if it is shit like this week, in a journal sort of form, to keep the habit up for one- and for two to make sure I’m expelling the shit and not holding it in.
When I hold it in I hurt people. Especially me. I’m tired of hurting me. So what will I do? Whine if I have to. I’ve finally made the commitment to give up nicotine. I’m trying to exercise for my mind. I’m going to eat better for my health and I just got some oral surgery done so the picture I will attach to this post is how I used to look but nothing like how I will look in the future and isn’t that wild?
You live long enough you look worse, sure or- you look better. You become your best self before your light gets snuffed out or you just gracefully decay.
Honestly, I thought I’d be dead before this and I have done most of the things a person would do who did not want to live. I can’t sit here and say I suddenly feel differently about being alive but I realize my time is coming regardless so if I keep waking up I should at least feel good.
Slowly I’ve been trying to get my mind right or at least functioning in a way that normals can understand me. And now I just want to wake up, be grateful, calm, healthy and at peace. Who knows a good writer at peace? LOL no one. It’s probably why I have gone so long between posting things, I’m getting “better.”
But I like writing- even if it is gibberish, even if it doesn’t matter, even if no one ever reads it. I like it. Buy a book or not. Read the posts or just look at the pictures of me as I evolve, you have to know I don’t care. It’s proof that I was here.
And I’m still changing.
I can’t wait to see
what I will see
in me

next….