My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen…

THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

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2 comments on The Shallow End of The Deep

The Shallow End of The Deep

Well good morning Earth
I’m back again
I have decided to use the voice to type tool on my computer to add this blog post instead of manually typing it like I normally would because I feel incredibly lazy about writing today
which is terribly sad
but fortunately for those of us who don’t feel like it at the moment there is a Backup Tool and we are getting really really used to all of our backup tools aren’t we
eventually we’re not going to be able to do anything for ourselves and that’s probably not true in the near future I probably won’t be alive anymore when humans are completely incapacitated thankfully I’m only cheating a little bit instead of what I’m sure is the future
and why is the future Doom and Gloom to me I don’t know
because there’s something visceral
there’s something tangible
about actually doing things and making things yourself and there’s a connection to you and that thing and the earth when you are the one who got your hands dirty
blistered your skin open to develop something that didn’t used to be there before
and now as soft as we are and as fragile as we are becoming we also are losing our ability to create and develop and design on our own without a lot of assistance from artificial tools
and it loses a little bit of the art
it loses a little bit of the pain that comes with creativity
and it becomes just content
just a product and I know I’m not saying anything revolutionary
I’m not saying anything that anyone with half a brain isn’t also thinking
I’m not saying anything that is smart at all
we all know I’m just saying excuses are the tools of incompetence
and I’m not making an excuse for why I don’t feel like typing this morning I’m just saying that I do want to keep my schedule of weekly adding something to my blog
but I’m awake this morning I would like to exercise and I don’t really feel like typing so I said all that to say that whatever …
…anyway so I was talking last week about having written a manuscript regarding my relationship with the monster and I also mentioned that I wasn’t going to write anything else about it because I’m done with him
I’m done with that but I think what I may do instead of trying to publish it and make some money off of it is just post it
chapter by chapter
every Wednesday
here on the blog so at least it does get some air you know it’s not just shoved in a corner and when it’s on the blog I don’t really have to worry about it being professionally edited because only you weirdos and me are reading this and we’re all weirdos together so I don’t think you’ll care that it’s not polished but it’s authentic and 99% of it actually happened in my imagination of course
anyway if you do read this blog often you’ll be like oh well I remember this
and that is really sad
go outside
stop sitting here reading about my f****** life you loser
I’m just kidding
I love you so much
I love you more than I love myself most of the time
and when you all say things like hey that touched me or that reminded me of this or that
and the other
the fact that there is another human whose eyeballs are on my words really does make me feel like less of a creep and more of a human so don’t think I don’t appreciate it when you all like or comment on the blog
because nobody even reads or writes blogs anymore and here we are together and all the places that we could be in the world you’re reading this probably on the shitter and that’s fine too
who cares?
And I would like for it to exist where other people can see it before January 31st 2024 because that is the monsters 30th birthday and we told each other 5 years ago that if we were both single and he was ready and he had gone out and enjoyed some of the world and realized that all he ever wanted in his life was to be with me
then
even though we have this huge gap in age I would accept him and we would be together and f*** everyone but I know that that is not going to happen
I know that he was lying when he said it
I knew when he said it that he was lying all those years ago
I knew I was lying for saying that I would do it too but here we are
the book is written…
my initial plan when I was less regulated was to mail this book to him to whatever address I had so that he could open it and read it on his birthday but I have decided now that I don’t want to be a part of his life anymore
I’m a part of his past
he’s a part of my past and I will never forget
that he said to me the first night we met he said he was going to give me good memories for the rest of my life and he did not lie
I do have wonderful memories of our experiences together
he was a major major turning point for me in my writing and my personal feelings about myself and my decision making when it comes to Partners and what love really is and I know that I hold a meaningful place in his life too and I want us both to be happy and healthy and successful in our future but I know that that means that we will not be together in any kind of way
we will have no communication whatsoever
that is not a good place for either of us
but like I said the book is written
I don’t want to profit off of it other than people reading it and one day because nothing digital ever really goes away does it maybe he’ll read it one day
maybe it will be the reason why I posthumously get an award for being the greatest writer ever who the f****** knows right
I’m just kidding on that last part but am I …
if it happens it happens
maybe this post right now will be the thing
who knows
so I just wanted to tell you guys if you were wondering why there was a shift in what gets posted it is because I am sharing with you that book before the end of this month and then I’m moving on with my life
you know in 2024 I’ll be 49 this year and I would like to spend the whole year actually preparing for 2025 when I’m 50
nothing matters to me more than being happy and healthy for the remaining years I’m on this planet
I don’t want to be worried about anybody’s feelings
I don’t want to care about anybody else’s problems
I want to do what I want to do that makes me feel strong and loved and appreciated and I don’t know what that’s going to be however I do know that in this year it’s the perfect time for me to get my life organized in a way that facilitates my future goals and happiness and that’s going to be dropping a lot of things that I don’t need to carry forward with me if I’m honest
and honestly in the past couple of years I’ve been doing much better at dropping things that I don’t need
letting go of people that are not helpful
letting go of habits that are not healthy
letting go of coping mechanisms that cause me more pain than they bring any Joy
so it’s a journey right it’s all practice hopefully you’re learning if you’re reading this
you’re growing
you’re getting better if you’ve been following me on this blog for the past 10 years you will know for sure I am a completely different b**** than I was when I started writing here in 2012
so that’s a good thing
that’s a positive thing so I said all that to say that I’m going to share the chapters coming up soon and I didn’t feel like writing this with my fingertips this morning but that’s okay I’ve got a full day ahead I’m going to be happy and focused and breathe as deeply as I possibly can, look around me and appreciate being alive.

Come and get me. https://books2read.com/b/b6O7k6

THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW's avatar

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THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

Poet and Author originally from Indianapolis, Indiana, and a lover of words, expressions, and creativity. Mother of one, Member of the Ohio Poetry Association, a former member of the California Writers Club, Winner of the Barry Wright Scholarship for Poetry, and consummate Dorothy Parker, Nikki Giovanni, and Chuck Palahniuk fangirl. Contact The Author at MissTLBanks@yahoo.com Follow Me at bandit_the_ravenous on Instagram

2 responses to “The Shallow End of The Deep”

  1. Da Absentee Avatar
    Da Absentee

    Wishing you continued; love & light through this thing we call life. 🤍

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    Reply
    1. THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW Avatar
      THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

      Appreciate it! Per normal, thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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