Can Sith Lords Retire?

Man, I have done a shitty job of blogging/journaling every week. I found a diary I wrote by hand from 1999/2000 which freaked me out. Every entry was either about 3-7 dudes I was dealing with simultaneously at the time, of which I actually remember, like 2- and money. Needing more of it essentially and pretty pissed off that none of my relationships were working. It’s funny because after all these years, I’m still preoccupied with those things to varying degrees- I’m definitely budgeting so I can not live at work for an employer creating no value in any area that would help me sleep at night-which means I do have money on the brain… and in other news, I downloaded Tinder for the first time last week, and ended up with like 99 swipe rights in 2 hours and I was not looking at photos, just things we might have in common, got one phone number and deleted the app altogether because first of all I felt way too old to be on it (although I saw tons of people over 40 which surprised me) and it dawned on me that app and all the others are basically video games and I don’t play those. The person I responded to- ended up being a weirdo- the conversation was fine (he mimicked my opinions well) but then before we had even discussed where and when we would meet for the first time, he was like you might help me fulfill a bucket list fantasy of mine, I’ve never been with a black woman before. UGH. Sooooooo He’s gone. He needs a black friend first and I do not have the time or energy, and then when I actually saw a photo of him the whole ass answer would have been no from the get go- He mentioned that if he had saw me in real life he wouldn’t have spoken to me and in hindsight I’m super grateful- but this means just like 24 years ago, I haven’t gotten that part down to a science yet either.
But I’m not mad. I’m not sad or depressed about either thing- which I was terribly in 2000 according to that journal. I wasn’t diagnosed then. Hadn’t done a lick of therapy, and still had a suicide attempt to come that hadn’t happened yet. Poor girl.
I know now that I struggle to maintain relationships and jobs. I have a hard time believing that I am valuable and worthy everyday and although it is a pain in my gigantic ass, I’m old enough now that my body’s demands for water, sleep, meditation and exercise are outweighing my other concerns by a ton.

I’m okay and at least I can say that. I have a safe place to sleep, a job I finally like and feel good about what it contributes to the world, and yes, I still sleep alone but the idea of jumping through hoops to get the validation I haven’t been able to consistently give myself from an external force is becoming less and less appealing.
This means that I simply haven’t had as much anymore to write about- generally I’m writing poetry because I’m pining over some emotionally unavailable supermodel. Or I’m sharing terrible dating experiences part of which are my fault because I specifically date down to ensure that if the shit blows up in my face, I never liked him anyway, so ultimately, didn’t matter. Usually whining about something or another, racism, sexism, sadness blah blah blah- and I don’t feel as passionate or compelled to regurgitate all that anymore. I genuinely am trying to stay present much more often and reflect while things are happening and it just doesn’t leave time to escape from living.
I think this is a good thing.
Soon I hope to maybe write stories or something again but I’m trying to feel myself and be myself before my ride on the planet ends. I’m trying to be less judgmental too and do you even realize how much energy that takes?
I said all of that to say, if you are reading this, thank you. I appreciate you hanging in there with me. I’m not sure what my creative future looks like but if you want to rewind and read any of the posts from the past 10 years or so help yourself. I know people who just come here to look at the pictures so enjoy. Cop one of the poetry books and read it when you take poops.
I’m fine. I’m okay and as much as I would normally like to complain I think I’ll skip it.