My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen…

THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

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What’s the 3rd Way?


My first assumption is always that others don’t like me
that they’ve sized me up before we’ve even met or spoken
and betwixt us, I am lacking in some area they deem
indicative of superiority, and since its law, I must know this already
so if I am treated as if it is true, without so much as a possibility that it isn’t
then not going along with it makes me stupid as well
There’s endless evidence when this is your first assumption
Fashion houses don’t design for you
Everyone has always said even when your teeth were crooked that you have a nice smile but no one is stopping in their tracks in public to tell you how beautiful you are, and you have seen this happen to others around you
And you begin to wonder if your first assumption is so because it was never countered and all you’ve witnessed is further evidence
this is what good primary caregivers are for…
there should have been someone, anyone, at the start, who told me I was beautiful. important, special. Kind would have been good.
Worthy would have been great but, no one did.
The only time I hear it is from myself, and hey, some don’t have that even, I know.
Anyone else who has ever said such to me wanted something from me- it was transactional.
They only believed those things of me so far as they could get something from me by saying so.
Had I learned this when most people learn this, so many things I would never have suffered.
Perhaps I would be bored from exploring myself today or in general, rather dull and draining had I been treated with respect and dignity and value – the people I know from that world of care are kinda selfish and uninteresting, albeit commercially beautiful and committed to skincare.
Do I want to be selfish and uninteresting, just to get people to tell me I’m gorgeous for no reason and mean it?
We all want what we don’t have, the grass is always greener etc and etc it’s really the only Achilles heel that will never heal.
Core wound they call it.
Its not that I want to dwell on it- its just everything I do is colored by assumption one.
I am unloved because I am not beautiful.
No one has ever thought so.
And although I’m hilarious and witty, well traveled and red, talented and a wonderful conversationalist, determined and sweet, loyal and inspirational-
I met one of the most beautiful human creatures recently and after getting to know me a while she said and here you come with this big amazing personality… I just laughed to myself. Of course. You’ve built it all but that one thing, you just can’t claim. Now listen this shit makes me cry of course. HA!
But I don’t hate myself enough to go carving me all up to fit into the standard.
No shade to people who do but once I do all that, I’m actually not really me, to me anymore.
If I lost a limb and replaced it or an organ or something, I’m still me but if I try to sculpt myself into a fad body or slice my face into perfect right angles, I’ll never feel good about the compliments, even worse actually than I feel now about the transactional ones.
I’m not her.
Trust I know none of these bleeding dummies are better than me in actuality.
I know.
All humans are rotten pieces of shit with glitter earrings, period.
I know.
Its just that they get told, get sold and believe that they are better than me because someone said oohwhee you’re so hot I want to cage you and put you on a pedestal and stare at you for hours.
Like strippers.
But what I know is more important than what they believe. Belief means doubt or you would know.
And I don’t know. No one ever told me so. I’ll let it go but I’m sure it’ll be because I’m dead.
Anyway, I say what I need to say to myself to keep going every day, I know in the long run being smart and diligent and approachable are way more useful and important and in reality the boat that pretty much everyone else is also in, especially if they kept their naturally organic shapes and sizes, but that confidence isn’t from the self- someone, somewhere, way back in seedling stage- some caregiver or family or somebody said, here’s looking at you kid or some such and the idea they were real and unique was the spell cast on them
this had to have occurred…I again, assume…
the rest of us are just pretending, and being fake is a huge reason too that people won’t like you in the first place…
I know
so I make the first assumption
over and over
death is the only end it seems
or at least, today, that’s what I believe…

https://books2read.com/ap/n4zk4W/TL-Banks

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THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

Poet and Author originally from Indianapolis, Indiana, and a lover of words, expressions, and creativity. Mother of one, Member of the Ohio Poetry Association, a former member of the California Writers Club, Winner of the Barry Wright Scholarship for Poetry, and consummate Dorothy Parker, Nikki Giovanni, and Chuck Palahniuk fangirl. Contact The Author at MissTLBanks@yahoo.com Follow Me at bandit_the_ravenous on Instagram

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