Pith

I don’t hate you
I adore you
but I hate the fact that
I adore
someone
like you.
There are lots of ugly nice people around.
There are loads of unattractive very kind and attentive and generous people that I could use around every corner.
Fucking with them makes me feel worse than it does fucking with you though. They are probably good and we are obviously not.
You’re gorgeous. I don’t deserve to be with anyone gorgeous, I’m not gorgeous. But I am here somehow refusing to let go of an unreal privilege.
You’re brilliant and so if you happened to wake up tomorrow and be ugly, I can vouch for your mind and still not look like a complete fool to the world.
You’re young and who doesn’t envy youth if they are honest? Especially when it comes with virility and free time and no children or major problems to chase down?
But you are not kind and why should you be, you’re gorgeous, young and brilliant and I think that I know why I am attracted to evil people- it is not only because I think that suffering is all that I deserve from love but also because I’m sort of evil too, if I weren’t I would have settled for one of the completely plain, totally sweet and thoughtful and giving people around every corner on their knees willing to worship me for the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll grow up someday.
You are not attentive and for the same reasons, I’m sure everyone is constantly knocking down your door but unlike me when they see for themselves that you are a narcissist, they cut their losses and run because they are smarter than I am.
I have a point to prove and that stance on life and relationships in general has been not only my hallmark but my downfall. Why I feel superior to myself because I understand what I am doing wrong I will never understand.
You say that you are generous and because you have been in the past to so many people for so long ( you just got to earth though) that you can’t continue to be that way, so I have never seen one iota of your generosity. I have only ever given to you, to the point that if I called you a prostitute, you’d have to answer me. I don’t expect you to do anything in particular for me in the same vein because of the things that I have done and given or gotten for you or on your behalf I don’t even want a fucking thank you, but I guess what I do want is for you to realize that Karma is a real thing and the more that you take from others that you intend to fuck over the more difficult your life will be, especially when the person that you actually love comes into view. And for me that’s you. And maybe a long time ago I was pretty too. Maybe people could see that I had some semblance of intelligence back when I was your age as well but I was not kind back then, not unlike you- I was attentive but to everyone and no one in particular because I refused to keep being governed by typical love rules and now here I am paying for my sins committed so far because again I now know what I did wrong – I didn’t acknowledge that Karma would come back around if you live long enough. I ignored whoever told me about Karma just like you will ignore that I am telling it to you. I don’t know anything else other than I want you and no matter what I do I will never be able to have you and on some level I am enjoying that and at the same time I am hating how weak and foolish I am for doing so, for always gravitating toward the man that I cannot have- where I can pretend to be fully in love without having to actually be. I can’t change it, I can only accept it because ultimately,
I don’t hate you
I adore you
But I hate the fact that
I adore
someone
like you….

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