A Dead Man’s last 16 Breadcrumbs

I woke up today with a basket full of good intentions. I wanted to write something fun and futuristic today but I can’t concentrate on it now, and I don’t want to try it, when I no longer feel it.
A long time friend just reached out to me to tell me that the horrible man he has been dating has physically assaulted him and thrown him and his puppy out into the street. He’s driving across country now with his pet to his home state. I felt disgusted and personal flashbacks crept in of similar situations I found myself in when I was younger- violent parents and a gaslighting ex or two of my own. I know how much he must be hurting right now and I told him he should come visit soon. Then I got a message from my boss asking me all of these questions about her job, instead of asking her boss about them, and then assigned me extra work of course, that technically she is supposed to do. I don’t mind, it’s easy but tedious, but it was another reason I couldn’t just stop, light a candle, and blog up something fun and new.
Too many emotions, some of which weren’t even mine, crept into my brain.
I told myself I was going to do some sort of exercise today and I couldn’t renege on at the very least moving my feet but I barely enjoyed my walk and couldn’t concentrate enough to do much weight lifting because I really wanted to throw them at my friend’s ex’s head. I knew he was trouble when he tried to force my friend to wear Crocs. Ugh. It bothered me all day. Old me would have figured out how to get that dude’s personal number used as a sex party line or something just to make his life hell but I kept calm and tried letting those thoughts go.
And because the Goddess of Fortune only smiles when I’m drowning in thoughts, the monster of all people had texted me last night again about being sorry for saying things that might have hurt me. I wanted to tell my friend on the road about it so badly but considering what he just went through I knew he didn’t want to hear about my mind games just now. Luckily for me I have another friend for just such nonsense and I had to tell someone right away just to keep my balance. I asked my other friend, what does he want from me I wonder? Does he want me to absolve him? Does he want me to say okay? I never say okay, that’s his job. It feels like the monster wants to change how I see him or something but to what end? He texts me things and somehow I feel vague about what they mean. ” I didn’t mean to hurt you with the things I said” doesn’t fucking mean anything! Why would you ever say this to another adult who wasn’t your child? The day I stop trying to figure out my muse, I say to my other friend, is the day I’ll be free.
My other friend and I have adopted the monikers Pinky and The Brain, so he says to me that the monster is just stringing you along, Brain. Not worth the energy or effort.
And of course, I have to reply back because I am truly aghast- but why? I just want to know what he could get out of that? Like ,if his new kink is I’m trying to resist you so hard but force me to comply or I’ll keep annoying you until you make me your little slut princess, well that’s silly because its the same as the old kink so fine- but you can’t keep telling me you are the happiest you’ve ever been without me. I don’t get the game. I just want to get it. It didn’t bother me all day, like I’m sure he hoped that it might, but on top of the rest it felt like a flick of lava to the cheek anyway.
I’ve tried to think about all the people I’ve strung a long before and meh, if that is the case, its so easy to say that its my just desserts but actually I was not well mentally when I was doing all that. Not an excuse but self awareness is step one. I don’t want my friend to feel like anything his ex did to him was his fault though, because nobody should put their hands on you without permission for any reason ever really and hurting someone because you can’t express yourself is the wrong place to be in if you’re trying to be in a relationship of any kind.
But then I turned right around and texted Pinky that I want to hop on a flight to Ohio, go to the monster’s door in a leopard coat and black thigh high GoGo boots with a whip and ball gag and go
YOU RANG, BITCH? On your knees, fucker.
Too many emotions, some of which weren’t even mine, crept into my brain.
What if the monster wears Crocs now, Jesus Christ.
I don’t know what happened to my good intentions for the day, or where the hell the basket they were even in got to but I at least wrote something like I said I would, even if it’s shit and I was able to crack a smile before I started interacting with other humans, so there’s that too.
The future remains unwritten.