Waiting 30 seconds until the 31st

The stupid horoscope said that it would be best to wait until today, the 31st to tell my ex lover what I thought truly, deep down. It was hard to wait, there were so many moments between the time I texted a response to him (mind you, all of this has been over since way back in like, March of 2019) I don’t even know how many days ago now, and today when I wanted to say something but I waited. None of those things I thought of would have rang as true as what I told him this morning.
I didn’t copy it down to paste here, for once, because I’ve known for a long time that it wouldn’t be something I would get to carry with me very far. So grateful for the days I did have, and the energy I was able to use and getting my way in that scenario would never have been right because not only was it not reciprocal but it wasn’t real. I’m not delusional. Just a gambler on the waterball surfing emotional waves. I will still be connected to him as long as I associate him with certain songs, thats usually where the remnants end up, he isn’t the only favorite person I have ever had, just the most recent.
I’m glad I waited.
It wasn’t real. It was not reality but realism.
I’m glad I told the truth in all the ways one could to another human. I’m glad it happened. I’m glad its over.I have big emotions and I deserve to use them on big love.
Fuck realism.
Small pocket sized love, one sided love, narcissistic love will never do. Its a waste of time and energy, like I told a new friend today, we only have so many hours to be human. I hang on.
I do.
Stage 5 clinger.
This is not okay for some people. I get that now. There is nothing wrong with me that isn’t wrong with everybody else in some other way. I’m attracted to very pretty guys, considerably less years on the water ball than myself with DNA traits dissimilar to my own as possible, musically or poetically inclined and devoted to me. But that’s just surface attraction. Those are flies. No need to catch them or kill them really they will die soon.
But won’t we all?
No no, now I’m into people who can go deep enough to dig into me. The ones who find me actually fascinating enough to listen to, be with, overstand.
It feels better. Calmer. Sweeter. Actually intimate. Deep. I can do deep.
I truly hope that if he is still reading my words for an ego boost, that he knows he can always buy a copy of any of my books at whatever retailer he chooses and he can tell everyone who will listen that I used to peg him back in the day. But we’re not friends any more because that is something he would never do.
Maybe the horoscope wasn’t so stupid but I was. Maybe we both are. Certainly all 3.
Surface attraction pocket love is never enough for a stage 5 clinger. We all know this. Its a fact.
I’m not waiting anymore. Its like what, 40 days or something left until my 50th birthday. Do you realize how many deserved humans don’t make these big milestones? Do you realize how many do who hate their lives and their partners and their jobs? Mate, I’m extra good. I need to remind myself at times, that I don’t know everything. Maybe there is some shit to following the rhythm of the stars and holding off before you rush and say go away.
I’ve not rushed.
I know I’m right.
I know life is short.
I know if I’m going to have any kind of love that I want it to feel big.
Like me.
Like my stage 5 clinger heart.