Haesitationem disinfecting wipes

What I fear the most is abandonment. I fear doing something or saying something that causes someone who said they loved me to leave. So, I hesitate to do things, to say things, to be my real self for fear that who I really am is too much for anyone or worse, not good enough. So, I don’t fully explain. Or I omit. Or I leave before I can be left. Its horrible to feel so many things, have insights that could lead to deep conversations, that I don’t express because I genuinely don’t think anybody cares enough about me to try to understand me and once they really do get to see inside my soul, they’ll stop talking to me all together. I keep my distance. I’ve learned to live on my own. I like my company, truly and yet if just one other person felt the same way about me that I do, I’d give that person the whole world and everything in it that I could get my hands on. But because I’m this way, and I believe people will try to use you if they can, I don’t give much detail about what I really want so it cannot be dangled over my head in order for someone to stay in my life. But hesitating, is also a decision. Not trusting that there is a decent human soul who thinks I’m a decent human soul is limiting. My ideas, my creativity and imagination could be propelled to such great heights if I had someone I could really talk to about it without fearing it’s too much for them and they will run from me. Ultimately I know I can’t force anyone to love me, it’s a luxury of the highest order, and in lieu I need to love me because I am with me always- and doing so might mean asking myself, who cares if I mess up? What does it matter, really, if my beliefs are too Avant Garde for my contemporaries? Will it matter in 10 years if people I didn’t need to have around, blew town? What would I say to a friend who felt this kind of fear? I’d say breathe. Take it easy. Relax. You aren’t a fortune teller. It might turn out well instead of poorly that too is an option. Say it. Be it. Do it. And if people fall off, good, they were seasonal evidently. The people who matter know you aren’t perfect. They know you’re an odd duck but a loveable one and what they love most about you, is how you look at something and see 3 things they didn’t notice. It’s not a bad habit to learn to pause before you speak. But look at it this way, do you REALLY genuinely want the approval of people who don’t want to understand you anyway? Trust me, you keep shining brightly and that flame will draw the right moths. Plus, nothing is forever, the closest you’ll get to forever is you being with yourself. And if you lost everything and everybody, what would you still have? The important things. In my case, I wouldn’t lose my knowledge and experience, my degree, my ability to sing and to write and to read and to move and breathe and smile. I wouldn’t lose my height, imagination, or creativity. I wouldn’t lose my ability to command a room, or to plan and stay organized. I’d tell the friend, hey be nice to you. Give yourself a chance. What if you’re wrong? I guess I’ll give myself this advice and carry on…terrified maybe but courageous. Leave if you’d like and catch me if you can.