Silencing Heart Riots

I feel like lately I am stuck between go ahead and do it
enjoy it
come get exactly what it has to offer because you don’t know how long you’ll have on this planet to enjoy frivolous things like this before the eyesight goes before your knee caps wobble before I can’t stand before you can’t keep the piss in so do it
enjoy it love it have it
and then the other side of me is like avoid that
that’s sticky that’s dirty that’s gonna make you sick that’s gonna make you wobble that’s what’s gonna give you the illnesses and the tiredness and the drabness and the aloneness ultimately because all you’re doing is using someone and letting someone use you and there’s nothing good that’s ever going to come from that
so it amounts to every step that I take there is a voice that is saying how wrong or inappropriate or bad that step was no matter how good or helpful or positive that step happens to be and as you can imagine, it’s extremely annoying, terribly daunting, and it does make silence forever seem like the best alternative to this
and then I get to see a flower growing and I freak out because it’s amazing or I get to smell some fragrance that is exotic and envelops me and makes me feel like I too have a little magical essence and then I hear a song that I’ve never heard before, that touches me so deeply that I am in the throes of the most melodramatic, yet sensual tears, because I understand on the deepest level everything that artist was trying to express in that melody in the harmony in the rhythm in the words
it’s part of the reason why somebody would call you crazy I imagine
feeling every little thing and also knowing that there’s nothing on the other side of this but complete oblivion
that you will never remember any of these things because you won’t be you and so you have to do them because there’s no other chance but now and at the same time if you overindulge, every now will stop existing and quicker than you expected because you chose to do everything without any caution or moderation, and I suspect the peace in the happiness is in the moderation without the voices without the voices I think I would have a “better” life because I would just do things and see what happens without any Mrs. Havisham’s great expectations but because I do know and I do see and I do feel everything I better situate
keep going to work sitting upright, looking straight ahead, wearing clothes, combing my hair, doing taxes
le sigh
get the fuck out of here
all of it is immensely terrible
Now I wonder if I went back and looked at this how many times I said the word always or never because that’s part of the problem isn’t it, seeing things completely in black-and-white as I do
I bet you if I reread this looking for those ways that I made the situation either or
it is a good chance that it’s probably every situation
so I’ma take a deep breath
whoooooooosah
as soon as you relax and get through the one thing that I know for sure that’s happening and that’s today
then I promise me that I will find time to play today
I’ll find time to be grateful today
I’ll find a time to be quiet today and I guess if everything else is already done I’ll find time for a little hope too
Fingers crossed while I can still cross them…