My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen…

THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

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4 comments on Mudflaps run The THOT Police

Mudflaps run The THOT Police

If I could speak to him today, I would say
I met somebody new and the fact that I want to tell you
tells me a lot and tells me that you and I are playing a stupid game
that you have already won.
It tells me that I get a kick out of being on the losing end when it’s not obvious, and there is a good chance that this could be something if I was willing to change and if I would just let it
but I also know that there’s things to the situation that I didn’t realize until it was in front of me.
I didn’t know the prison back story.
I didn’t really know about the addiction.
I was trying to get a kiss because that is the answer
for me
as you know…
I was watching an episode of some show called Jack Reacher this weekend and I’m looking at all of the other characters on the screen and all of them looked real to me in my mind I was like if this is a video game then they’ve done a magnificent job on these other characters because they look like real human beings where as this Jack Reacher, the main character he did not – the way that his eyes were moving
darting around in his head when he’s saying very calm things
it is disturbing me, and I’m not sure how many other people would consciously notice
because he’s good looking
in a buff guy being buff enough sort of way
he’s not delicately subconsciously ephemeral like you but I’m watching this thing, so this looks like, it is a fake AI sort of robotic interpretation of a human and it’s taking me out
now mind you I was high at the time
and didn’t realize that I wasn’t watching something on the PS4 that the new guy brought I was actually pissed because I thought he was trying to force me to watch game cutscenes like he was going to convert me to gamerism when I’m clearly a showtunes sort of fool I had no idea that I was watching television and somebody (the new guy) told me a little bit more about how the actor was playing the character, and they were playing him as if he had a slight variation in thinking than the “normal” people
and sweetpea, I picked up on it by just looking at it, and it threw me because it was so unrealistic when it comes to what you would expect to see on human faces, and I say all this to say that there were not any times when I looked at your face that I saw contempt but that’s a lie
I remember Now
I saw hate a lot and miswanted it for some odd reason like that you can’t fake your desire and I talked about you a lot and the guy said there’s something about the forbidden that makes you want it more but he used to be on real drugs like heroin
not just dumb drugs like human beings 
so this new person that I met and I hate when I do that, talk about you out loud but I’m hoping that one day I will meet someone where I won’t want to remember you
I won’t want to tell them that you exist  
Because you still exist and turns out that me and this guy we’re both shepherds and I’m really into that a lot lately
there’s no sheep and I think it’s making me realize that I don’t need the relationship between me and you
it’s the same
there’s no sheep
and although you’re willing to be the one on your knees, we both know that you are the one that is in control  
of this
of me and sometimes I don’t want to not act like I don’t like it.
Sometimes I try to fight it and I know I’ve been waiting and I have been trying to live a completely different life in the event that I don’t get what I’ve been waiting for and I don’t actually feel like I will get it but I still want to wait that’s crazy right  
And then six months from now you’ll be 30
and whatever it is will be all over
and it’s been over since it started and yet I still want to see the end even though I already have
I haven’t moved past it yet like I’m living in the present of it while I’m trying to live in the future of being myself  
Complicated
I don’t understand why any of us are even interested in it and I’ll tell you about this guy
this new guy
he don’t kiss right and that’s the bottom line.
I don’t feel like overall if I do this thing with him and pursue it that I am benefiting and I don’t know  
if that’s the right way to look at it or not
like I should benefit him or the reverse
and with you all I get is high
off you
you are my favorite distraction.
Probably the worst thing that ever happened to me and I love it so much which means it’s wrong.
Somehow you know that I know that we know that that’s why I am writing this
its why I’m thinking about this
instead of saying it to you today,
and anyway you got somebody to hold today and that new dude, well if he’s honest he’s not over his Ugandan ex either, the one who refused to kiss him and he thought maybe it was because he had bad breath and he spent 30 minutes in my guest bathroom brushing and flossing his teeth for her, not for me and when it comes right down to it I haven’t been over you for long enough to be fucking anybody trying to recover from real drugs
like love
kiss must have been the thing for her too
and I’ve had a chance to kiss you
oh and apparently her ex before him used to beat her ass and they have a kid together and I’ll bet any money
he kisses like you
but it’s Sunday and that’s the day that we worship the sun
so I am going to take a few hours off being consumed by you
and find something a little more pleasant to do, like fry my skin.

THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW's avatar

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THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

Poet and Author originally from Indianapolis, Indiana, and a lover of words, expressions, and creativity. Mother of one, Member of the Ohio Poetry Association, a former member of the California Writers Club, Winner of the Barry Wright Scholarship for Poetry, and consummate Dorothy Parker, Nikki Giovanni, and Chuck Palahniuk fangirl. Contact The Author at MissTLBanks@yahoo.com Follow Me at bandit_the_ravenous on Instagram

4 responses to “Mudflaps run The THOT Police”

  1. Den Avatar
    Den

    It may have been a mistake telling me not to stop. Now all I can think about is how to poetically say I’d like to be in between you and that shirt of yours. This is what I landed on.

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    1. THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW Avatar
      THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

      If there is anything I know how to do well, it is make a mistake. No matter. Come for the boobs, stay for the self loathing. Enjoy!

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  2. Den Avatar
    Den

    I think I’d stay for the overwhelming powerful energy you exude. It’s intoxicating. And the boobs. And the self-loathing. An erotic combination, I’ll say.

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    1. THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW Avatar
      THEORIGINALRUDELYRAW

      A sophisticated acquired taste indeed. Salud!

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