Me for The Best Dummy Ever: An Operator’s Manual- The Preface

“ I need a map of your head, translated into English so I can learn to not make you frown.”
Clean, Incubus

The order in which you should read this manual based on the price you paid to read it:

How much ever this book cost you is in direct proportion to how badly I wanted you to have it so if you are reading it for free, I love you already put the book down and kiss me. If you are susceptible to manipulation, start on page 33.

If I am not in your presence at the moment, then of course text me that you love me too right now and tell me that you dare venture to read further, that you are compelled and that you must and that no matter what your eyes perceive you will still think of me in the most delicate and cherished ways because you recognize that I am an artist and that is what you love nearly as much as how I taste, neither of which you could imagine living without, especially if you have yet to experience any of it and still, you already know that it’s true. If you are a hopeless romantic, start on page 65.

And If I have given it to you at no cost, and you choose to pay me, I will let you leave. Right then. No more words need to be exchanged. Please, go and quietly. I’m genuinely sorry that I hurt you. You win.

If it cost you one red cent or more, I do believe you can get me if you tried to understand how I work a little better so please darling read on…or burn it. Be a creepy weird book burner. You bought it. Use it or Toss it in a stream. Be super destructive about it. Tell everyone. Sales will skyrocket. I’m on top either way.

But if you did buy this, because you do want to know everything about me and your plan is to meet me and to do each one of the things I’ve said here with immaculate precision without ever telling me how you truly know how or why or when to do these tasks, then I hope you’ve got a good last name that I can share. If I ever find out before you’ve told me though, be sure to have a place to get away to at a moment’s notice. Go watch the movie, Taken before you read on. The daughter is my heart that you broke with your secret. I am Liam Neeson.

If you’ve spent five bones or less on this manual my dear- you have to start at the VERY beginning…

starting with the manual will only confuse you…
go to Desperatelydespicabledrivel.com and read all of that, all 12 or more years worth, study it and read all of my poetry chapbooks in order of publication, watch any You Tube videos that might still exist and THEN read the manual.
You’ll see the brilliance then and it will feel like you got it for free.
If you do this, come find me. You are the one. Unless you also need therapy. Then, don’t do that last part. Nobody is the one, I just say that for flourish. Never, ever speak to me. We can’t both be looney tunes, can we?

If you’ve splurged, and gone out and paid full price, like from the internet book shop… Ah. Freak. Welcome. You should start with the sex chapters surely and then read about the childhood and then, read the sex chapters again, knowing what you will know and it will be a thrilling ride for you I promise, your money’s worth in the palm of your hands. Use antibacterial wipes, sweetheart.

If this manual was gifted to you, by a woman that you have slept with, well then, she’s a psychopath. Listen, if you aren’t ready to lose your life for this woman, go back to the beginning and read what I said to do for someone who bought this book. Seriously kid, I’m trying to save your life here, or what’s left of it, she will utterly destroy you if you cross her and I have a feeling she feels like you might cross her, so you’ve got two options friend, either be her pet and faithful and loyal slave forever and willingly immediately or get your shit and get out of dodge and burn the book, burn it and leave it on the doorstep of her house so there is no confusion. In this way, you both shall live.

The order in which to read this manual if you really secretly hate me and are trying your best to find a reason to love me:

Back to front you hating piece of shit. You won’t get it anyway so skip to the end. Start there. Keep pretending that I don’t know you hate me. Matter of fact tell me next time that you see me that you started at the end like I told you too so I can laugh in your face and write about you specifically in the glowingest terms you could possibly deserve next. Thanks, pig.