Ethos, Pathos and Logos Walk Into a Tiki Bar

I started to text him this morning:

Because I am the offspring of a con artist- it’s my only point of reference.
Most people who have suffered like I have take one of two routes- be the aggressor/manipulator or be submissive to one.
In love.

I’ve been both.
Pete and Repeat…

I’m doing fine I really am and because love is the one thing I want but can’t get for myself it’s easy for someone I care about to trick me.

You have tricked me.
Pete and Repeat…

I’d be a fool to think you won’t do it again. You’ve done it twice.

It’s so easy for me and you to fall into this pattern- you’re interested in changing your life, I happen to be single, you promise me the world and that we’ll be together but as it turns out you either just need somewhere to go or just broke up with some other broad and you think I’m lonely and stupid. This is how I feel when I come down off the high of thinking somebody loves me. Nobody actually does and when people tell me they do but invade my space, take up my time, can’t take shit slowly for my mental health I know something isn’t right.

We have an ease, we do.

A connection, for sure.

But you can’t tell me that I’m putting up walls like it’s a bad thing. It’s not. I get so frustrated with you because you never seem to remember you love me until you’re in a desperate situation and need somewhere to go. If you were honest about this shit we’d get further but you never are, not until five years later about how I was used and you’re sorry again. I don’t want to get used by you or anyone else ever.

When I say take it slow you tell me you’re already looking for jobs and spots in my area? How is that slow? You said you’re always high my love we each gotta be sober sometimes, right? What is different about us now than before? I’m ridiculously honest with you and I will always be afraid and rightly so that someone who has lied in my face claiming they loved me will do it again. I’m very serious about how much time it would take me and I don’t really want to hear about how good of a connection we used to have because it wasn’t enough then or we wouldn’t be here now. This waking up from the love bombings suck for me. Of course I want to believe. But the word belief itself includes doubt- or we would simply say “I know”.

And what do I know?
Pete and Repeat…

You don’t stay anywhere long. You don’t talk about your offspring. You’ve said the same thing to me about what a match we are for years, meanwhile dating people I didn’t know existed at the same time. In two days of chatting you’re so comfortable with things like half a decade hasn’t passed. I’ve always felt like this is wrong somehow no matter how calm I feel with you. Sure I don’t know what love is with a man, fair, you’re my only real reference point and you’ve sat in my face and told me shit that wasn’t true.

I know you can never afford to financially care for me and I’m not concerned about that, I just wonder if there was some girl or woman that you felt responsible for said she wanted to date you right now, considering our history, what you would tell her to do? Go with her stupid heart, knowing full well she’ll be in therapy again and suicidal if you betray her a THIRD time, or tell her to wait six months like a reasonable stable person before letting anyone in, whether you recognize them from the past or not. Eventually we move in together- sure, after you go 2 years without lying.

Deal?

We all make mistakes- miss a deadline, pick up the wrong spice at the store but lying is willful, intentional and manipulative. There is no excuse for my behavior when I was dis-regulated. I have to own all that shit. And I would never reach out to you or anyone asking to reconcile after I’ve hurt them over the age of 42. That’s me. But you, I can pull up emails and letters etc where what you’ve said to me in the past two days is the same things you’ve said to me years ago. Maybe I’m not doing as good as I thought if I’m still susceptible.
Pete and Repeat…

I enjoy your friendship so much, truly. I want to trust you so bad, I can taste it. I think this is part of the reason I’ve needed a back up or side person when we were together because I knew you didn’t really want me, just somebody dumb enough to let flowery empty words trick them into being your anchor. I don’t know.

You say you know.

You know it’s me. It’s us.

You know it.

Did you know it a month ago? When you were in the arms of whoever 13 months ago, did you know then? Did you know in Montana? Vegas? Did you know when you were sleeping next to whoever? How come I’m only hearing from you- and I only ever hear from you- when money is low and you’re relocating?

The Monster said he didn’t know why he reached out, he just likes attention, can’t fault the guy, but you KNOW.

I just believe.

I want to know too. There’s all sorts of shit to be afraid of, and of this one thing I have been and will be afraid of. I’m suspicious. You so easily see and agree with me about how dumb the sheeple are- but you want me to be one of them at the same time- just for you.

I like being your friend. Talking. Sharing music. And I am dumb and I have always wanted to love you and be loved by you and I always ask you for the same things- time, honesty, patience, moving slowly- and we end up apart anyway. Because you refuse to move slowly and then resort to lying to me. I don’t know anything about ADHD and it may very well be a contributing factor to when and why and where you reach out to me and I’m willing to learn about it but you need to be properly diagnosed as having it- by a physician, that way you have real support actually managing it and because I believe we’re friends at least I want to support you in being the best you. Do you know you have ADHD because a doctor told you or because you think you present the symptoms?

There’s a difference.

It was really hard for me to be single at first- being loved is all I have ever wanted because everything else I can get for myself but it’s easier now- so if you’re genuinely serious and this isn’t the same old Pixie Prince trap then I need you to respect me enough to SLOW ALL THE WAY DOWN. If you can’t, I get it. But that’s all sorts of bad signs. Please don’t think I’m stupid just because I’m working on my crazy. 😞

Walls as you call them are there for reasons.
Pete and Repeat…

Read this article sometime today and tell me I’m silly for being apprehensive as the daughter of a con artist who keeps dating them over and over.

https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/avoiding-the-relationship-con-artist/

And I start to send this all to him and pause.
I breathe.
Pete and Repeat…
I remember that my government name is tattooed on his chest.
Repeat.
Of course he keeps coming back, he literally belongs to me.
Repeat.
Duh.
What terrible ownership on my part. Forgive me, baby.
And instead of making you crazy like I am…
I posted it here and called it ‘art’.