Him: Hi beautiful, I’m Xavier, you’re gorgeous and I think we should be friends.
Me: Well thank you for the compliment, hopefully your day is going quite well.
Him: Yeah it’s cool beautiful what are you getting into this weekend?
Me: No major plans just enjoying myself and relaxing.
Him: We should meet then beautiful. What’s your number?
Me: Nah you trying to get me into trouble.
Him: I swear I’m not beautiful you just have to give me a chance.
Me: Well you are sexy.
Him: Ooh and so are you beautiful, let’s meet.
Me: I think you got the wrong idea. Thank you for all of the compliments truly I am flattered but I don’t think that you and I are looking for the same things. I don’t want to lets meet with anybody I don’t know. I don’t want to hang out with nobody I’m not serious about and I am most certainly not giving my phone number out to anybody who hasn’t even bothered to ask my name. You probably looking for something casual and immediate like a smash and dash and I’m sure you’ll find it, sweetie.
Him: But I didn’t say nothing about hooking up or fucking you. I just wanted to take you out to dinner. Thought that would be nice.
Me: Dudes are such trash. Now I gotta seem like that bad guy because you haven’t said those words exactly. I’m just telling you what I’m on so nobody gets the wrong idea. Ain’t no grown ass man ever asked me out to dinner by saying Lets meet, beautiful. Come on. I’m nobody’s throw away fuck buddy, so if that’s ultimately your goal, I’m just saying count me out. You keep calling me beautiful because you don’t know my name.
Him: You didn’t offer your name. This a two way street. I can get pussy anywhere it is not a problem. But if you’re not interested your loss. Okay then, cool.
Him: I just wanted to go out to lunch or dinner. It would have been nice.
Me: Don’t be mad at me for looking out for myself, there are a lot of creeps in this world.
Him: Sorry about all those wrong dudes you met.
Me: We both met the wrong people or we wouldn’t be here. And as easy as it is for you to get pussy its just that easy for me to get assaulted or raped. I’m confident that you would want your mother or sister or daughter to find out what a dude’s real intentions were before giving him your personal information, right? It aint a loss for nobody, really this the bullshit we doing so this the type of shit we gotta deal with. A dude who has no bad intentions would understand what I’m saying and someone with an agenda, will not and get mad. Don’t make no difference to me. Either way, I’m staying safest when I ask questions, period. I stay safe when I don’t give out my information to every single dude who asks me for it. So yeah, okay cool then. I have to weed out wack dudes, sexyface. So are you wack or not?
Me: (just like I thought)
Me: Checks again an hour later to make sure I’m not jumping the gun about not fucking with someone that my literal gut looked at and said no to- he’s so fine that he’s almost not fine; he’s one of those dudes that if you glanced at him quickly you can see how good looking he is but if you stare at him too long he starts to look odd and out of place and like a pretender, like someone who knows how good he looks and leans too far into it with no subtle hints of humility around the eyes that is required for someone with at least a tiny bit of depth and in all of his photos of himself, he has his head cocked the same way, and he uses old hollywood filters in some of them to soften his look and he takes photos at angles that really short women use which seems forced and purposefully vain and then to turn around and tell me that getting pussy is not a hard thing to do then well why are you picking random bitches to meet up with if you aren’t confident that some sex is gonna come with it, you need a challenge? Doesn’t make sense, and so now that you are called out on the stupid ass shenanigans you play when you interact with women for the first time, you can’t even pivot properly in a conversation to at least pretend that you aren’t really as problematic as I assume you to be. Tough thing is he’s not Henry Cavill fine enough to try to pull this game off with me, it might work on average older ladies who need a little attention now and again but I procure the finest of the fine meats and if its a situation that I want to pursue I’ll feel it in my belly, a little fire down there that I can’t even fight if I tried to and although it always comes with a shit ton of bullshit at the very least I’m not playing those kinda games with dudes that other dudes don’t look at and go daaaaaaaaaaaamn. I got that much sense. And I can guarantee when other dudes see you they say shit like he trying too hard or he think he pretty or that nigga think he a player but he’s not. And I see you still haven’t responded.
Me: He wack.
Me: Deletes thread.
Me: (that boy was so fine though that he is definitely a Urinary Tract Infection waiting to happen. Fuck him.)
Me: Puts some weed in my bowl, makes a cup of coffee, turns on Chaka Khan and sits down to the computer to write…