It’s difficult not to think about
on a rainy afternoon in January
when you live in a one bedroom apartment by yourself
in a suburb of Sacramento
believe it or not, it really is
so hard not to look back on
the shit I kept and the shit I’ve thrown away
see I’ve thrown away you but I still have your H&M hat. Shit’s super warm.
I’ve thrown away him but I still wear the captain’s ring I snagged. It’s gold and silver so it matches everything.
I tossed him after a few hours but nothing you encounter in the Bahamas is supposed to be meaningful long term except in reflection but his cute bracelet is still around my wrist. It matches my skin tone.
And that other one lasted a full month and it wasn’t my fault he left his Adidas basketball shorts over here, he will never see them again. And they feel silky after a shower.
And the shirt, the shirt too, it wasn’t originally mine
although it seems like it would be but no, some boy who thought I tasted pretty good for a few years left it with me and I didn’t give it back when he decided to leave. Fits my theme, so to speak.
I got married and divorced and after I tossed my ex-husband into the sea I went right back to the last name that my father had given quickly
believe it or not, it really is
so hard not to look back on
And all these things seem like cheap things and these things are certainly cheap
but the best thing I ever received was given more than freely
I took his seed and turned it into the brain of a man
although I have no idea what happened after that
he didn’t want to stay off the bat
but I got something from him I had not planned
I got a human who looks at me and understands
that I will do anything including lay down my life for someone I love
especially if they have been dependent on me long enough
something you hadn’t thought of
I can turn a forgotten article into sentiment, a piece of metal into a memory
I can turn a shared garment into trend, and wayward sperm into a king
believe it or not, it really is
so hard not to look back on
Might not mean shit to you
wherever you may be
but on a cold rainy day in January
it’s proper nostalgic to little old me

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