I woke up twice before the alarm to pee
Ignored the first alarm but still ended up before the sun
It was muggy but for whatever reason I never check the weather
so I didn’t put on as much deodorant as I should have
and felt funky most of the day.
I was inspired though to make a list-
a to do list of all of the awesome things
that I could and should and would be doing
instead of doing what it turns out that I have done
which is sit somewhere thinking about the two dudes
that my soul is trying to get rid of- Old Faithful and the monster.
I don’t really want to get rid of the monster though,
I simply have no other choice in that matter- and there were
good things on the list too; like reorganize my apartment
and work on my budget and savings and do free writes
at home at night or post something to the blog while I work out-
I was happy with it- so happy that the day went relatively smoothly-
I did great at my gig, all the appropriate smiles and small talk
and I only got irritated once when a lady asked me a question
just to hear herself talk and make herself seem sufficiently busy
when the answer to her question was on the handout that was provided
and had she read it like she was asked, she wouldn’t have had anything
to say- no that’s a lie, twice, when one of the IT guys came to ask me if
I was giving out the WI FI password, when I clearly know that’s for
visiting team members only and he knows I know but he needed
me to be aware that the chick that tried to throw me under the bus about it
by lying and saying I told her to ask him for it, was skinny and hot.
He doesn’t care that she is clearly dumb. She claims her husband works at the NSA but if he does honey, why are you starting here, in a below basic position at 9 bucks an hour?
After work I came home changed out of my work clothes into jammies, put on more deodorant, ate some leftover take out fried chicken and sang a few old favorite karaoke songs in the bathroom vanity mirror while filling up my one hitter I got from a friend who lives in Chicago now. I watched a few episodes of Dirk Gently, while drinking a beer, but it was a big deal because I told the Monster I wouldn’t watch anymore without him, but fuck him because on Sunday when I said that I wanted to see him, his response was why? It might have just been a sarcastic response without any real malice, he did hurry up and add that his car was down at the moment but I want to get rid of him like I get rid of everyone else who isn’t serving me the way that I want them to, especially if I am obsessed with them so I blocked him and watched a couple of the episodes.
I sent one of my articles over to Twitter and FB and I checked my blocked messages 47 times and of course he hasn’t said anything, which I shouldn’t know anyhow, considering.
And I thought that I would write something brilliant, something that would last forever, something that would make literary canon and I might someday but it won’t be today. I always think that.
And I thought that I could love Old Faithful, because of the fact that he was well, faithful, even though I haven’t been attracted to him without a shit ton of alcohol since 2015 but for a while I thought it was the right thing to do out of guilt and the fact that I am stuck in the heartland and I was pretty selfish just for nothing and I suffered for it- now I have a guilty purchase extra Incubus ticket to the concert on Thursday that I bought for him under duress because he felt he deserved other people to buy him birthday presents and I can’t sell it. I’ll never date another fucking Leo again.
He was right. Fucking Monster. He was right about the show, that the lottery ticket was going to ruin the guy’s life. Bastard. Anyway…
I thought that I could love the Monster because he was smart and beautiful and seemed to be available even though our age difference isn’t all that acceptable to everyone, unless I was about to turn 62 and he was 43, and he introduced himself to me- not the other way around- but I have to be someone that I am scared to be in order to do so, actually someone that it doesn’t turn me on to be, which means he doesn’t really seem all that into me at all, other than in a passive aggressive kind of way-he knows that I am addicted to him- and I know if you love someone you overlook a lot and even if it isn’t reciprocal you do it anyway but love and relationships are different things and I guess the only way I can really love him is in the memories that I have of him, even though my heart would catch flame if he actually called. I won’t be checking my blocked messages any more tonight though to find out…
…so I hit the one hitter a final time and snapped this pic so I would have a featured image which clearly looks like I am high beyond belief and it just reminds me that instead of worrying about them, I could use the treadmill that I bought to get dudes like them, at least the Monster anyway, in the first place- maybe after I finish a beer.
I woke up twice before the alarm to pee